The Golden Girls (TV Series)

Bang the Drum, Stanley (1988)

Herb Edelman: Stanley Zbornak

Quotes 

• Stanley Zbornak : Everybody, this is Dr... Jerry.

  Rose : Dr Jerry. Oh, it must be great having just one name. You don't have to worry about people misspelling your last name all the time.

  Dr. Jerry : Is your last name difficult to spell?

  Rose : Yes. But I'm getting better at it.

• Dorothy Zbornak : [Blanche and Rose are just coming home]  How did the auditions go?

  Rose : Great. Oh, you should have tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky. You might have gotten a part this year.

  Blanche Devereaux : Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical "Cats". You have to be agile, graceful, and sensual.

  Dorothy Zbornak : You're right, Blanche. I mean, how could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your best performances in back alleys.

  Blanche Devereaux : Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talkin' to Ed Tyler? That man has *such* a big mouth. Which reminds me. I oughta go give him a call.

  Stanley Zbornak : [later, after Sophia is injured by a fly ball at the baseball game, Stan comes by to check on her]  I just came from the hospital. They told me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?

  Dorothy Zbornak : No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.

  Stanley Zbornak : Oh, there you are, Sophia. Are you OK?

  Sophia Petrillo : Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital, naked under a sheet, with strange men inspecting my body with cold, metal instruments.

  Blanche Devereaux : Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?

• Stanley Zbornak : [after Sophia is hit by a fly ball at a baseball game, Stan starts scheming]  What would you say if I told you I have come up with a great way to make some fast money for us, and all you have to do is lie on your back?

  Sophia Petrillo : I'd say you're about fifty years too late on that one.

  Stanley Zbornak : I'm talking about a lawsuit. If we can show that you're severely injured, we can sue the ball club and the ball park for a lot of money.

  Sophia Petrillo : I'm not severely injured.

  Stanley Zbornak : Well, yeah, you can fake it. I have a good doctor friend who will back you up.

  Sophia Petrillo : I'm appalled. Shocked. Disgusted. How much money are we talkin' about?

• Stanley Zbornak : [after Sophia's injury, Stan cooks up an insurance scam]  The doctor's coming.

  Dorothy Zbornak : What doctor?

  Stanley Zbornak : He's a friend of mine.

  Dorothy Zbornak : We're going to the hospital.

  Stanley Zbornak : Dorothy, this guy is good. He's probably the most learned, respected, important neurologist in the state of Florida.

  Blanche Devereaux : How'd you ever meet a man like that?

  Stanley Zbornak : We were judges at a wet T-shirt contest.

  Dorothy Zbornak : I'm calling the hospital.

  Stanley Zbornak : No, Dorothy, stop. Look, I - I really feel like this is all my fault. That's why I'm getting him. He's the best. And I'm gonna pay for it.

  Rose : [astonished]  You paying for something?

  Stanley Zbornak : What are you saying, I'm cheap?

  Dorothy Zbornak : Well, *of course* she's saying you're cheap. You're the only man I know who owns a time-share dog!

  Stanley Zbornak : [Sophia, buying into the scam, tells everyone a vision told her to trust Stan]  Y'see, babe, it's all part of the Big Guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Mr Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You're a horse's ass.