The Goodies (TV Series)

Scotland (1971)

Tim Brooke-Taylor: Tim Brooke-Taylor

Quotes 

• Tim Brooke-Taylor , Graeme Garden , Bill Oddie : [singing, trying to convince the tourist board agent they're Scottish]  Roamin' in the gloamin' on the bonny banks o' Clyde Roamin' in the gloamin' wi' my lassie by my side When the sun sinks in the west That's the time that I love best When oor boots are roamin' in the glo-ho-ho-hoamin'... och hoots!

  Tourism Agent : Y'must be English tourists...

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : [to the suicidal zookeeper they just rescued]  We'll be kind and considerate and help you in any way we can, but if you don't tell us what the problem is...

  Bill Oddie : [Interrupts]  ... we'll chuck you back in the river!

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : Listen you two!

  [Puts on a record of "Land of Hope and Glory"] 

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : This is a royal cage, and it's going to be a royal occasion! SHE is going to be there, and SHE is going to expect a monster. And I deem it a great honor that we have a chance to provide one for her. And if we succeed, I'm sure that she will not forget us, when it comes to handing out the you-know-whats!

  [Record runs out] 

  Graeme Garden : You'd do anything for an O.B.E., wouldn't you?

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : Yeah.

• Graeme Garden : Tim, don't move!

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : What?

  Graeme Garden : Don't. Move. An. INCH!

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : Aaaah! What is it?

  Graeme Garden : It's the Giant Bagpipe Spider! It's deadly! Keep absolutely still - one bite from that, and you dance the Highland Fling until you drop dead!

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : [nervously]  What if the monster attacks us? What about self defense just in case... just in case it might attack us?

  Tourism Agent : Ah! That's a very good point, 'cause Nessie's a fearsome beastie when she's roused. But if she does attack you, just frighten her away. Mind you, it's no good shouting out "Boo!" because she's stone deaf.

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : How do we frighten her away, then?

  Tourism Agent : [Holds up sign that says "BOO!"]  You show her this!

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : How do we recognize the monster? What does it look like?

  Tourism Agent : Dinnae ask! Dinnae you ask me that! I only saw it the once - never again! Oh-ho, never again!

  Bill Oddie : Why, what happened?

  Tourism Agent : Well, it was like this, y'see. One night... one night I went down to the water for a wee peep. And I listen, and I hear nothin'. The birds have stopped chirpin'. The wind has dropped, and an eerie hush has fallen round about the loch. I looked across the water, and there I see it rising up from the deep - a great humpity back, a monstrous head with slaverin' jaws and great mottled bleary eyes starin' doon at me!

  Bill Oddie : [whimper]  I'm frightened...!

  Tourism Agent : And then I see the huge teeth on it - grindin' up a pair of wee cow that it's caught, and spatted out the bones like grape pips! There I stood, face to face, with the legendary monster of Loch Ness.

  [beat] 

  Tourism Agent : Of course, I could have been mistaken!

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : [daydreaming]  Tim, OBE...

  Graeme Garden : You Berk!

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : You're right. Timothy, OBE. That sounds better.

• Graeme Garden : Timothy, monsters do not exist!

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : They do so too! I saw one on telly, yesterday, in an old film - 'The Lost World'.

  Graeme Garden : Oh, those were prehistoric monsters. They died thousands of years ago.

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : That WAS an old film!

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : [In the Scottish woods]  I don't like it here. I don't like it! It's spooky.

  Bill Oddie : Aw, come on, there's nothing to be frightened of here.

  [Gunshots ring out and he panics] 

  Bill Oddie : WHAT'S THAT?

  Graeme Garden : [comes out of the woods]  It's only me. Hey look, I bagged a brace of haggis for supper!

  Bill Oddie : Oh, the poor little...

  Graeme Garden : It's all right. They're vermin.

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : [enters the tourist board office, using his most proper British voice]  Hello? I say? Is anybody there?

  Bill Oddie , Graeme Garden : Ssshhhhhh!

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : What's wrong?

  Graeme Garden : We don't want them to know we're English.

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : Why not?

  Bill Oddie : 'Cause if they know we're English, they're not gonna let us pinch their monster, are they?

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : Oh, I see.

  Graeme Garden : So just pretend we're Scottish, all right?