The Goodies (TV Series)
Scotland (1971)
Graeme Garden: Graeme Garden
Quotes
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Tim Brooke-Taylor , Graeme Garden , Bill Oddie : [singing, trying to convince the tourist board agent they're Scottish] Roamin' in the gloamin' on the bonny banks o' Clyde Roamin' in the gloamin' wi' my lassie by my side When the sun sinks in the west That's the time that I love best When oor boots are roamin' in the glo-ho-ho-hoamin'... och hoots!
Tourism Agent : Y'must be English tourists...
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Tim Brooke-Taylor : Listen you two!
[Puts on a record of "Land of Hope and Glory"]
Tim Brooke-Taylor : This is a royal cage, and it's going to be a royal occasion! SHE is going to be there, and SHE is going to expect a monster. And I deem it a great honor that we have a chance to provide one for her. And if we succeed, I'm sure that she will not forget us, when it comes to handing out the you-know-whats!
[Record runs out]
Graeme Garden : You'd do anything for an O.B.E., wouldn't you?
Tim Brooke-Taylor : Yeah.
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Graeme Garden : Tim, don't move!
Tim Brooke-Taylor : What?
Graeme Garden : Don't. Move. An. INCH!
Tim Brooke-Taylor : Aaaah! What is it?
Graeme Garden : It's the Giant Bagpipe Spider! It's deadly! Keep absolutely still - one bite from that, and you dance the Highland Fling until you drop dead!
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Tourism Agent : [after being charged with false advertising] Well, the eggs! Where did you think I'd get eggs that size?
Bill Oddie : They're fakes!
Tourism Agent : They're not, they're not, they're NOT! He wouldn't pay five pounds for a fake egg!
[to Tim, who just bought an egg earlier]
Tourism Agent : Would you?
Graeme Garden : Oh yes he would! He only got O level biology!
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Tim Brooke-Taylor : [daydreaming] Tim, OBE...
Graeme Garden : You Berk!
Tim Brooke-Taylor : You're right. Timothy, OBE. That sounds better.
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Graeme Garden : Timothy, monsters do not exist!
Tim Brooke-Taylor : They do so too! I saw one on telly, yesterday, in an old film - 'The Lost World'.
Graeme Garden : Oh, those were prehistoric monsters. They died thousands of years ago.
Tim Brooke-Taylor : That WAS an old film!
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Tim Brooke-Taylor : [In the Scottish woods] I don't like it here. I don't like it! It's spooky.
Bill Oddie : Aw, come on, there's nothing to be frightened of here.
[Gunshots ring out and he panics]
Bill Oddie : WHAT'S THAT?
Graeme Garden : [comes out of the woods] It's only me. Hey look, I bagged a brace of haggis for supper!
Bill Oddie : Oh, the poor little...
Graeme Garden : It's all right. They're vermin.
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Graeme Garden : The cheapest time to phone your friends is when they're out.
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Tim Brooke-Taylor : [enters the tourist board office, using his most proper British voice] Hello? I say? Is anybody there?
Bill Oddie , Graeme Garden : Ssshhhhhh!
Tim Brooke-Taylor : What's wrong?
Graeme Garden : We don't want them to know we're English.
Tim Brooke-Taylor : Why not?
Bill Oddie : 'Cause if they know we're English, they're not gonna let us pinch their monster, are they?
Tim Brooke-Taylor : Oh, I see.
Graeme Garden : So just pretend we're Scottish, all right?
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Tourism Agent : Well, ye've come to the right place and at just the right time. The Monster season's just opened again.
Graeme Garden : Oh yes?
Tourism Agent : Uh-huh. Now, you'll be needin' your monster fishin' permit, so that'll be five pounds for the week. In advance, if ye dinnae mind.
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Tourism Agent : It'll probably start roarin' any minute now...
[puts on a record of a droning sound]
Tourism Agent : Oh! Oh, there it goes!
Bill Oddie : That's a record!
Tourism Agent : No it isn't!
Graeme Garden : Yes it is!
Tourism Agent : Well, even if it is, how did I record it? That's a genuine monster's roar!
Graeme Garden : No it's not! That's a kitten slowed down!
[Speeds up the record player and the droning sound turns into meowing]