The Goodies (TV Series)

Scotland (1971)

Bill Oddie: Bill Oddie

Quotes 

• Tim Brooke-Taylor , Graeme Garden , Bill Oddie : [singing, trying to convince the tourist board agent they're Scottish]  Roamin' in the gloamin' on the bonny banks o' Clyde Roamin' in the gloamin' wi' my lassie by my side When the sun sinks in the west That's the time that I love best When oor boots are roamin' in the glo-ho-ho-hoamin'... och hoots!

  Tourism Agent : Y'must be English tourists...

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : [to the suicidal zookeeper they just rescued]  We'll be kind and considerate and help you in any way we can, but if you don't tell us what the problem is...

  Bill Oddie : [Interrupts]  ... we'll chuck you back in the river!

• Bill Oddie : [singing]  If you bring him back alive, you let the people see he isn't all he said he was, so let him free! Oh-oh-oh! Should've seen the one that I let go! Way-hey-hey! Ooh-ooh! The one that got away! Hey!

• Tourism Agent : [after being charged with false advertising]  Well, the eggs! Where did you think I'd get eggs that size?

  Bill Oddie : They're fakes!

  Tourism Agent : They're not, they're not, they're NOT! He wouldn't pay five pounds for a fake egg!

  [to Tim, who just bought an egg earlier] 

  Tourism Agent : Would you?

  Graeme Garden : Oh yes he would! He only got O level biology!

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : How do we recognize the monster? What does it look like?

  Tourism Agent : Dinnae ask! Dinnae you ask me that! I only saw it the once - never again! Oh-ho, never again!

  Bill Oddie : Why, what happened?

  Tourism Agent : Well, it was like this, y'see. One night... one night I went down to the water for a wee peep. And I listen, and I hear nothin'. The birds have stopped chirpin'. The wind has dropped, and an eerie hush has fallen round about the loch. I looked across the water, and there I see it rising up from the deep - a great humpity back, a monstrous head with slaverin' jaws and great mottled bleary eyes starin' doon at me!

  Bill Oddie : [whimper]  I'm frightened...!

  Tourism Agent : And then I see the huge teeth on it - grindin' up a pair of wee cow that it's caught, and spatted out the bones like grape pips! There I stood, face to face, with the legendary monster of Loch Ness.

  [beat] 

  Tourism Agent : Of course, I could have been mistaken!

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : [In the Scottish woods]  I don't like it here. I don't like it! It's spooky.

  Bill Oddie : Aw, come on, there's nothing to be frightened of here.

  [Gunshots ring out and he panics] 

  Bill Oddie : WHAT'S THAT?

  Graeme Garden : [comes out of the woods]  It's only me. Hey look, I bagged a brace of haggis for supper!

  Bill Oddie : Oh, the poor little...

  Graeme Garden : It's all right. They're vermin.

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : [enters the tourist board office, using his most proper British voice]  Hello? I say? Is anybody there?

  Bill Oddie , Graeme Garden : Ssshhhhhh!

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : What's wrong?

  Graeme Garden : We don't want them to know we're English.

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : Why not?

  Bill Oddie : 'Cause if they know we're English, they're not gonna let us pinch their monster, are they?

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : Oh, I see.

  Graeme Garden : So just pretend we're Scottish, all right?

• Tourism Agent : It'll probably start roarin' any minute now...

  [puts on a record of a droning sound] 

  Tourism Agent : Oh! Oh, there it goes!

  Bill Oddie : That's a record!

  Tourism Agent : No it isn't!

  Graeme Garden : Yes it is!

  Tourism Agent : Well, even if it is, how did I record it? That's a genuine monster's roar!

  Graeme Garden : No it's not! That's a kitten slowed down!

  [Speeds up the record player and the droning sound turns into meowing]