The Greatest American Hero (TV Series)

The Best Desk Scenario (1981)

Robert Culp: Bill Maxwell

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ralph Hanley : What are you looking for?

  Bill Maxwell : The sandwiches, Ralph, the Cokes, I don't see 'em.

  Ralph Hanley : That's because they're not there. Pam made 'em, but I just, uh... Well, I didn't have a chance to get over there and pick them up.

  Bill Maxwell : Sometimes I don't believe you or the counselor. If Patton forgot the chow, it could have been Rommel's war, you know that?

• Ralph Hanley : [after he accidentally blows up Bill's car]  Gee, Bill, maybe we shouldn't, uh, use that power for a while, huh?

  Bill Maxwell : How am I gonna explain this down at the Bureau? That I torched my own issued car?

  Ralph Hanley : I'm sorry, Bill. I guess that makes three this year, huh?

  Bill Maxwell : Yeah. Oh, I'm gonna need a defense. Where'd you say the counselor was?

• Ralph Hanley : But I mean, talk about a terrific day, I get this vice principal thing and Pam gets a junior partnership in the law firm.

  Bill Maxwell : She what? She got what?

  Ralph Hanley : Oh, yeah, it happened over lunch, but don't tell her that I know. I got the info from her secretary Bill. I'm sure that's why she wanted us both over here so she could tell us the good news.

  Bill Maxwell : She got a secretary named Bill, same as me? Bill? Gee whiz. The world's getting to be a bad hockey match. No organization, bad trades, the good guys are all in the penalty box, everybody's got secretaries named Bill.

• Bill Maxwell : So then they bring in this Palmer Bradshaw kid.

  Ralph Hanley : So?

  Bill Maxwell : Ralph, the kid's name is Palmer. He is gonna be the next deputy chief of the Bureau. You can bank it. And he don't even shave regularly.

  Ralph Hanley : Well, I see what this is all about.

  Bill Maxwell : You get to be vice principal, the counselor, she's a junior partner. Yours truly, Dumbo Maxwell, is chugging across the finish line, fold up in the gallery yelling down, "Go, geezer, Go!" This is skipping here. Oh, would you believe this?

  Ralph Hanley : I don't believe it. Bill Maxwell, circuit rider tough guy, turns into Weeping Willy.

• Bill Maxwell : I'm getting slow, Ralph, You can see it.

  Ralph Hanley : No, I can't. Bill, I don't wanna hear this, it doesn't suit you.

  Bill Maxwell : I keep making mistakes!

  Ralph Hanley : Everybody makes mistakes, Bill.

  Bill Maxwell : I don't. I don't like it.

  Ralph Hanley : Welcome to the human race, partner. You can't go because we're the package, Bill. Those little green guys, they didn't pick us by accident. We're supposed to do this as long as it takes. How many times have you told that to me? We have to hold this thing together, Bill. It's you and me and it's the suit against uh...

  Bill Maxwell : Yeah, that's right, against what?

  Ralph Hanley : Well, against the world. When it goes wrong, we fix it.

• Ralph Hanley : I can go in there and vibe the place out, see what's going on.

  Bill Maxwell : Yeah, that's my scenario.

  Pam Davidson : It'd have to be when no one's around. Tonight, maybe. You wanna come along, Bill?

  Bill Maxwell : Well, I guess I can chug around the track one more time for the counselor.

  Pam Davidson : We'll have to take your car, Bill, though. They may know what I drive.

  Bill Maxwell : Ah, that's okay with me, but we're gonna have to wear our grubbies and push it.

  Ralph Hanley : Uh, we had an accident today. I blew up Bill's car.

  Pam Davidson : Bill's government issue car? That's three this year.

• Pam Davidson : No, this was gonna be my new office. All the junior partners have offices like this.

  Ralph Hanley : Gosh! This is beautiful, Pam. Absolutely beautiful. I don't believe it. Isn't this gorgeous, Bill?

  Bill Maxwell : They give an office like this to a kid? A girl? Come on, now, counselor, I wasn't born yesterday.

  Pam Davidson : No, it was more like 1880, wasn't it, Bill?

• Ralph Hanley : I'm sitting in there in some guy's hat and raincoat, doing a holograph and you guys are out here laughing at me. Sometimes I don't know I even try.

  Bill Maxwell : Now you know how I feel.

• Kyle Morgan : Now, who is that guy, how'd he do that?

  Bill Maxwell : Uh, piece of advice, boys. Um, if I'd were you I'd forget about Peter Pan unless you guys are really into basket weaving.

  Chet Kanaby : Yeah? Well, if it's bother you that much, pal, then that's exactly what we're gonna be talking about.

  Bill Maxwell : If you take my advice...

  Kyle Morgan : Well, we're not taking your advice, we're gonna tell it like it is and maybe you're the one who's gonna have some explaining to do.

• Bill Maxwell : Not only do we bust your senior law partner, but his principle client, an underworld guy in Tucson. It's a major federal bust, it's mine! It's my bust! It shines like a diamond in the Maxwell package. All is forgiven.

  Ralph Hanley : Well, congratulations, Bill.

  Pam Davidson : Yeah, even though Ralph is the one who busted him.

  Bill Maxwell : Counselor, if I could wear those long johns, oh, you'd see who busts who!

  Ralph Hanley : Whom.

  Bill Maxwell : Huh?

  Ralph Hanley : Who busts whom, proper English.

  Pam Davidson : You sure?

  Ralph Hanley : Sort of.

• Bill Maxwell : What's the matter with him? I don't get this hostility, Ralph.

  Pam Davidson : I do. What happens to the suit?

  Ralph Hanley : Yeah.

  Bill Maxwell : Oh, that, well, uh... I just thought we pack up the old foot lockers, all three of us, and we head for Washington. There's where it's happening! There's more spies per capita than there are per capitas!