- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [after sending Maj. Hochstetters spy out of the office, making him believe they're gonna raid the prisoner's barracks Wednesday night] Just a moment, Schultz. Tuesday night.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Tuesday?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan thinks he can outsmart me. He'll try to use the tunnel a day earlier and really escape. But I shall be waiting for him. And I won't have to share credit with Major Hochstetter. Am I not clever?
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Could I think about that, Herr Commandant?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, Schultz. I want you to give that a lot of thought... on your way to the Eastern Front.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, are you a spy?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I don't know anything about the underground or sabotage.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: What's there to know? You plant a bomb and a bridge blows up. A child could do that.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You must know some nice kids.
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [about Klink] Every year that man lives takes at least a century of the thousand year Reich!
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: So you are all under arrest.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: You're a little late, my friend.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Major, this happens to be Tuesday.
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [sarcastically] Oh, thank you very much.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: I distinctly told you Wednesday, not Tuesday.
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You think I listen to what you say? You might as well have said Friday, for all I care.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: I never said anything about Friday.
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [annoyed] I didn't say you said anything about Friday.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Now tell me: was it Tuesday or was it Wednesday? Be honest!
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Honest with you? You don't even know how to spell the word.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ha. Coming from the Gestapo, that sounds very funny. Now you may leave anytime, and take your spy, Private Berger, with you!
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What spy?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [shouting] And more, I wanna tell you...
- [Klink and Hochstetter shout into each other, so you can barely understand what they're shouting]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Interrupting] Hold it!
- [Normal tone of voice]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You make me feel terrible.
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it's true, we dug the tunnel and tried to escape. But, that's not the worst thing we did.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan. What else did you do?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I broke up a beautiful friendship.