- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [there's a knock at his office door] Come in.
- [Colonel Hogan enters]
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah, Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hogan, this is Major Kuehn. He is temporarily second... He's second in command.
- Major Hans Kuehn: I am the new executive officer. And you are the famous Colonel Hogan, whose men have unable to escape in 293 attempts.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: 291. Don't give me credit for the two guards.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: We cover that.
- Major Hans Kuehn: Colonel Hogan, I want to warn you. If anything should happen to Colonel Klink...
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Happen?
- Major Hans Kuehn: An accident. Or a replacement in the noble course of military routine. At any rate, Colonel Hogan, if anything should happen to Colonel Klink, you will find yourself against an even more iron-willed adversary.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Impossible!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Uh, who might that be?
- Major Hans Kuehn: Myself, Colonel. I will show you the kind of men you will be dealing with. Beginning tonight, I took the liberty of doubling the guards outside the perimeter.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, just a minute!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: If there haven't been any escapes, why double the guards?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, why?
- Major Hans Kuehn: To put an end to those attempts.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, see here, Major. May I remind you that *I* am the kommandant here, and as such, *I* make the decisions?
- Major Hans Kuehn: Very interesting. I must remember to mention it to my dear Uncle Karl when I write him.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uncle Karl?
- Major Hans Kuehn: Yes, uh, Field Marshal Karl Von Streicher of the General Staff. His specialty is military protocol. Have you read his book on the chain of command?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: No.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I have. Not a laugh in the book. Well, look, I've gotta be moving along. You probably want to get started on a letter to your dear Uncle Karl.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Just a minute! As I said, I make the decisions here, and I have decided to tighten security by doubling the guard around the perimeter.
- Major Hans Kuehn: Very wise, Colonel. Perhaps the letter to my uncle can wait. Good day, Colonel Hogan.
- Sgt. Schultz: Colonel Hogan, please! There are 16. We are supposed to have only 15.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's just like income tax, Schultz. If the mistake is in your favor, keep quiet.
- Major Hans Kuehn: I know that a man is keeping secrets when he avoids looking directly at me. Even Fräulein Helga noticed it.
- Helga: That's right, sir. The sergeant's eyes kept moving away from you and looking over at me.