- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You, *raus*!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, me Hogan.
- [Hochstetter pulls out gun]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Me leaving.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: The 2-way radio is missing. Where is it?
- Sgt. Schultz: This car never had a 2-way radio.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it has to, Schultz. That's standard equipment for all staff cars. I mean, how would you contact the commandant if there was trouble in camp while he was away?
- Sgt. Schultz: There is never any trouble when *he* is away.