Home Improvement (TV Series)

Don't Tell Momma (1994)

Tim Allen: Tim Taylor

Photos 

Quotes 

• Tim : [after he dropped a beam on Jill's car]  Hey, guys, is your mom home?

  Brad : Yeah, she's upstairs studying.

  Tim : Do you think she saw Tool Time today?

  Randy : No, I don't think so.

  Tim : Great.

  Brad : [gleefully]  But *we* did.

  Randy : Hey, don't worry, Dad; Mom has always wanted a compact car.

  Tim : You guys didn't tell her, did you?

  Randy : Nope; we thought it would be more fun to watch *you* tell her.

• Jill : [not knowing Tim smashed her car on Tool Time]  I was too busy to see your Tool Time show; sorry. How was it?

  Tim : Ohh, it was great, awesome.

  Randy : Smashing!

• Al : Show me the hand signals for swinging the crane.

  Tim : Hello? Boom!

  [shows him, accidentally breaking Al's home-made crane model] 

  Tim : Oh, sorry, Al. Uh, well I guess that's it for the hand signals.

  Al : Actually, Tim, I do have one another hand signal for you that's not in the manual.

• Tim : Wilson, swallow a pigeon?

  Wilson : No Tim. I'm ululating.

  Tim : I didn't know men could do that.

  Wilson : No, no, no, Tim. Ululating is a Middle Eastern custom expressing joy and sorrow.

  Tim : What are you expressing now?

  Wilson : Sorrow, because I can't ululate.

• Jill : [after Jill discovers her car after Tim drops a beam on it]  Okay, so let me get this straight: First, you give me a hard time because I get one little, tiny scratch on the door. Then you have someone drop a building on it. Not only do you not tell me about any of this, but you also tell other people it was my fault.

  Tim : It could have been your fault.

  Jill : What?

  Tim : Maybe that scratch weakened the entire structure of this car, mmmm?

  Jill : [angrily]  That is such a crock.

  Tim : Look, the important thing is this could've happened to anyone.

  Jill : Yeah, anybody who parked under a crane. And what kind of a crane operator drops a beam on a car? We should just sue this jerk for all he's worth.

  Tim : Oh, we wouldn't want to do that.

  Jill : Why?

  Tim : You married him.

  Jill : Oh, no. You did this? Do you mean we have to pay for this?

  Tim : Don't worry, I'm sure we got some beam stuff in our insurance.

  Jill : Tim, why couldn't you just leave my car alone?

• Al : Didn't you study the manual at all?

  Tim : A real man doesn't need a manual.

• Wilson : You know Tim, there's an old folk saying. Obsessions are like fire and water. Good servants, but bad masters. See the point is: do you rule your obsession, or does your obsession rule you?

  [later] 

  Tim : I know I get crazy about cars, you know. My car, your car, anybody's car. But it's, it's like Bad Masterson said. You can't get obsessed the way old people drive through water, if their servants are on fire.

• Tim : Glad to meet you, Tim. I watch your show every day.

  Scotty : Good. Do I get to run that baby?

  [points to the crane] 

  Tim : No. Like I said, I watch your show every day.

• Al : We're going to be using this crane to pick up and set a 3-ton beam, which we used as a diagonal brace, also known as a kicker.

  Tim : So you could call this a kicker picker-upper?

  Al : I don't think so, Tim.

• Jill : Did you take my car to the body shop?

  Tim : Yes I did.

  Jill : Well, how does it look?

  Tim : Well, I'll tell you what, can't even notice the scratch.

• Tim : When we were dating, we'd go to the drive-in and she thought we were going there to make out. Actually, I was going there to check out the other cars.

• Tim : How's the studying going?

  Jill : Fine. Except, I have a test in three days in a book that I can see through

  [lifts up the book] 

  Tim : Maybe it'll be an open book test.

  Jill : [Sarcastically]  Ha ha ha.