Home Improvement (TV Series)

Read My Hips (1992)

Tim Allen: Tim Taylor

Quotes 

• Tim Taylor : If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now".

• Jill Taylor : I wanted to be more subtle, what did you expect me to say? "The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me big daddy"?

  Tim Taylor : Now *that* I understand!

• Tim Taylor : Jill says she's sending out signals that I'm not picking up. I say, the signals are so subtle, NO man can pick them up!

  Wilson Wilson, Jr. : Well Tim, I think men are capable of picking up very subtle ideas.

  Tim Taylor : [Looks confused]  What are you saying?

  Wilson Wilson, Jr. : Well, maybe not ALL men!

• Tim Taylor : [Posing as Fred the electrician to Jill]  Do you like Gladiator movies?

• Tim Taylor : [Tim is posing as Fred the electrician, Jill kisses him]  You don't want to pay your bill, do you lady?

• Tim Taylor : Welcome to Tool Time. I'm your host, Tim "The Toolman" Taylor. You all know my assistant Al "I Can't Find A Better Job" Borland!

• Tim Taylor : After all Al, a safe workplace is a happy workplace, right?

  Al Borland : I wouldn't know Tim.

• Al Borland : Tim, rivet accidents are no laughing matter.

  Tim Taylor : And neither are you, Al.

• Tim Taylor : [Whilst holding a flame thrower]  Al, wanna hold that letter up for me?

  Al Borland : [Dryly]  I don't think so, Tim.

• Brad Taylor : When you and mom kiss, do you ever bump noses?

  Tim Taylor : Are you kidding? We got the tilt thing down. When you kiss a woman, you gotta lean to one side, she's gotta go to the other side, so you don't mash noses.

  [Ponders briefly] 

  Tim Taylor : Unless you could find a woman whose nose is big enough so you could fit right into it!

• Tim Taylor : [Demonstrating some safety goggles that Al is wearing]  These goggles are specially coated to reduce glare and prevent scratching.

  Al Borland : And they're vented for your added comfort.

  Tim Taylor : And so is Al!

• Wilson Wilson, Jr. : [Taking a sip of wine]  Here's to L'Amour.

  Tim Taylor : There won't be any L'Amour in this house tonight!

• Jill Taylor : [Tim is posing as Fred the electrician and tweaking the telephone]  Well Fred, while you're tweaking, maybe I should get us a glass of wine?

  Tim Taylor : Do you usually talk to repairmen like this?