How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)
Pilot (2005)
Josh Radnor: Ted Mosby
Photos
Quotes
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Older Ted : [about seeing Robin for the first time] It was like something out of an old movie. Where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor and turns to his buddy, and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted : Hey, Barney. See that girl?
Barney : Oh, yeah, you know she likes it dirty.
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Ted : You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin : Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted : Oh, I've got references.
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Ted : [about why he didn't kiss Robin] She didn't even give me the signal!
Barney : What, is she gonna... is she gonna bat her eyes at you in morse code?
[Bats eyes]
Barney : Ted... kiss me. No! You just kiss her!
Ted : Not if you don't get the signal!
Barney : [Barney spontaneously kisses Marshall] Did Marshall give me the signal?
Marshall Eriksen : No!
[to Lily]
Marshall Eriksen : I didn't, I swear!
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Ted : I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am. I just can't imagine settling down right now.
Yasmin : So, do you think you'll ever get married?
Ted : Well, maybe eventually... some fall day, possibly in Central Park... simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows... band, no DJ, people will dance, I'm not gonna worry about it!
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Barney : Ted, do you remember what I told you the day we met?
[flashback to the same bar, where a younger, goatee-wearing Ted sits in a booth. Barney drops down next to him]
Barney : Ted, I am gonna teach you how to live.
[Ted stares at him]
Ted : Barney. We met at the urinal.
Barney : Oh, right.
Barney : Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit.
Ted : I don't have a suit.
Barney : Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. Exibit A.
[motions to his own suit, then winks to a girl off camera]
Barney : Lesson three, don't even think about getting married 'til you're 30.
[back in the present]
Ted : Thirty. Right, you're right.
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Marshall Eriksen : Huh. The guy didn't jump.
Ted : I'm gonna go kiss her. Right now.
Marshall Eriksen : Dude, it's midnight. As your future lawyer, I'm gonna advise you, that's freaking crazy.
Ted : I never do anything crazy! I'm always waiting for the moment, planning the moment. Well, she's leaving tomorrow, and this may be the only moment I'm gonna get! I'm gonna do what that guy couldn't, I'm gonna take the leap!... Okay, not a perfext metaphor. 'Cause for me it's falling in love and getting married, and for him it's... death.
Barney : Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.
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Older Ted : [voiceover] The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn.
Robin : Wow. That is one badass blue French horn.
Ted : Yeah.
Robin : Mm-hmm.
Ted : Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.
Older Ted : [voiceover] Son, a piece of advice: when you go on a first date, you really don't want to say "Smurf penis". Girls don't ordinarily like that. But this was no ordinary girl.
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Marshall Eriksen : [rehearsing with Ted] Will you marry me?
Ted : Yes, perfect! And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne, you do your toast, you have sex on the kitchen floor! Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.
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Ted : Oh, your friends don't seem too happy.
Robin : Yeah, see, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend. So tonight, every guy is "the enemy".
Ted : You know, if it'll make your friend feel better, you could throw a drink in my face. I don't mind.
Robin : She would love that! And it does look fun in the movies.
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Ted : [arriving at Robin's apartment] Okay. Moment of truth. Wish me luck.
Barney : Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter. "This just in." Okay.
Lily Aldrin : Kiss her, Ted! Kiss her good!
Marshall Eriksen : Kiss the crap out of that girl!
Ted : Marshall, remember this night. When you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech, you're gonna tell this story.
Barney : Why does he get to be the best man? I'm your best friend!
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Barney : [after kissing Marshall to prove a point] But see, at least tonight, I get to sleep knowing Marshall and me, never gonna happen. You should have kissed her.
Ted : Oh, I should have kissed her. Well, maybe in a week when she gets back from Orlando.
Barney : A week? That's like a year in hot girl time. She'll forget all about you. Mark my words. You will never see that one again.
Ted : [seeing Robin on the news] There she is.
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Marshall Eriksen : [Ted is telling him and Lily about his first date with Robin] So? Did you kiss her?
Ted : No, the moment wasn't right. Look, this woman could actually be my future wife. I want our first kiss to be amazing.
Lily Aldrin : Aw. Ted, that's so sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch.
Ted : What? I did not chicken out. You know what? I don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college.
Lily Aldrin : Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive. And if you don't believe me, call him.
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Older Ted : Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother.
Son : Are we being punished for something.
Older Ted : No.
Daughter : Yeah, is this gonna take awhile?
Older Ted : Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was "dad" I had this whole other life. I was 27, just starting out as an architect, living with your uncle Marshall. My life was good. Then your uncle Marshall went screwed the whole thing up.
[flash to 2005]
Marshall Eriksen : Will you marry me?
Ted : Yes! Perfect. You pop the champagne. You drink a toast. You have sex on the kitchen floor. Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.
Marshall Eriksen : Right. Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.
Ted : Are you kidding? It's you and Lily. I've been there for all the big you and Lily moments. The night you met, your first date... other firsts.
Marshall Eriksen : Yeah... sorry, we thought you were asleep.
Ted : It's physics, Marshall. If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. Oh my God, you're getting engaged tonight.
Marshall Eriksen : Yeah. What are you doing tonight?
Older Ted : [V.O] What was I doing? Here, your uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life and me? I'm calling up your uncle Barney.
Barney : Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian chicks? Well, now I've got a new thing. Lebanese chicks. Lebanese chicks are the new half-Asians.
Ted : Hey, you wanna do something tonight?
Barney : Okay, meet me at the bar in 10 minutes, and suit up!
Barney : [Ted walks in] Where's your suit? Just once, when I say, "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.
Ted : I did... that one time.
Barney : It was a blazer!
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Ted : You know ever since college it's always been Marshall and Lily and me. Now it's gonna be Marshall and Lily... and me. They'll go off get married, start a family, and before you know it, I'm that middle-aged bachelor their kids call "uncle Ted."
Barney : [smacks Ted] I see what this is about. Have you forgot what I told you the night we met?
[flashback, 2001]
Barney : Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live.
Ted : Barney, we met at the urinal.
Barney : Oh right.
Barney : Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit.
Ted : I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney : Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A. And, lesson three, don't even think of getting married till... you're thirty.
Ted : Thirty. Right, you're right. I don't know. Your best friend gets engaged, you start thinking about that stuff.
Barney : I thought I was your best friend? Ted, say I'm your best friend!
Ted : You're my best friend, Barney.
Barney : Good, than as your best friend, I suggest we play a game called, "Have You Met Ted?".
Ted : No, no, we're not playing "Have You Met Ted?".
Barney : [taps a woman's shoulder] Hi, have you met Ted?
Ted : Hi, I'm Ted.
Yasmin : Yasmin.
Ted : Very pretty name.
Yasmin : Thanks, it's Lebanese.
[Barney and Ted exchange looks]
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Marshall : Would you marry me ?
Ted : Yes, perfect. And then you're engaged ! You poop the champagne, you have sex on the kitchen floor... Don't have sex on the kitchen floor. Damn it ! You and Lily, I mean i'd be there for all the big moment... First day you met, your first date, other first things... .
Marshall : Yeah sorry we though you were sleep...
Ted : It's physics Marshall, if the bottom bank moves, the top bank moves too !
