How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

The Duel (2005)

Jason Segel: Marshall Eriksen

Photos 

Quotes 

• [During a sword fight] 

  Marshall : Woe is me! I'm not married yet! My ovaries are shrinking! Ted! If you wanted to be married by now, you would be, but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky, you're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic.

  Ted : Anhedonic?

  Marshall : Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything.

  Ted : The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this.

  Marshall : I know, this rules!

• Robin : You talked about who gets the apartment, right?

  Ted : Yeah, we've talked about it.

  [Flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games in their apartment] 

  Marshall : So, when Lily and I get married, who's gonna get the apartment?

  Ted : Oh, that's a tough one. You know who I think could handle a problem like that?

  Marshall : Who?

  Ted : Future Ted and Future Marshall.

  Marshall : Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.

  Ted : [Back to Ted, Barney and Robin in bar]  Dammit Past Ted!

• Lily : A sword fight?

  Marshall , Ted : Sorry, Lily.

  Lily : On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a fricking broadsword!

  Marshall : Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.

  Lily : I'm sorry - is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?

• Marshall : I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancee.

  Ted : Come on, Marshall. Do you really think she's still your fiancee?

• Lily : [At the Chinese restaurant that was formally her apartment]  OK, a toast.

  [Everyone lifts their cup] 

  Lily : Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff.

  Barney , Robin , Marshall , Ted : Here here. Cheers

  [Everyone clinks glasses] 

  Barney : And to the lemon law!

  Barney : [Barney lifts up his glass, no one joins him]  Self-clink.

  [Barney picks up another cup and clinks his two cups together] 

• Ted : Here's why I should get the place. You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates. And on top of that I could be homeless. Does that seem fair?

  Marshall : Oh, boo-freakin-hoo.

  Ted : What?

  Marshall : Woe is me. I'm not married yet; my ovaries are shrinking.

• Doctor : [after patching up Lily]  All set. She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table?

  Marshall : That's us.

• Lily : Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese

  [Points to the cheese on the counter] 

  Marshall : Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's.

• Robin : [At the hospital after Lily was stabbed]  Is she OK?

  Marshall : They're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine.

  Barney : So get this, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie.

  [Ted, Marshall and Robin give him a look] 

  Barney : What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on date with this girl, Jackie...

  Barney : [At the bar]  Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie Ohhh.

  Jackie : Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to lemon law you.

  [Leaves] 

  Barney : [Back at the hospital]  It's out there, it's a thing. The lemon law is a thing. Damn, I should have called it Barney's law.