I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Watership Alan (1997)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : You are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth.

  Peter Baxendale Thomas : I don't think this has got anything to do with class.

  Alan Partridge : And the plums have mutated and have got beaks.

• Alan Partridge : You farmers, you don't like outsiders, do you? You like to stick to your own.

  Peter Baxendale Thomas : What do you mean by that?

  Alan Partridge : I've seen the big-eared boys on farms.

  Peter Baxendale Thomas : Oh, for goodness' sake.

  Alan Partridge : If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there's a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who's also your brother.

• Alan Partridge : Anyway, there's the bar. Gentleman, choose your weapons.

  Hugh Morris , Steve Bennett : What?

  Alan Partridge : I'm offering you a drink.

  Hugh Morris : [speaks using an electronic voice box]  Oh, now you're talking my language!

  Alan Partridge : Well, I hope not.

• Alan Partridge : [meeting a man who holds an electronic voice box to his throat in order to speak]  Why are you speaking like that?

  Hugh Morris : [raspy voice]  It's a voice box.

  Alan Partridge : It sounds great fun. Where do you get those, a toy shop?

  Hugh Morris : Alan, I haven't got any vocal cords.

  Alan Partridge : You sound like the girl in The Exorcist.

• Alan Partridge : [in a video for a boating holiday company]  This chemical toilet is a Saniflo 33. Now, this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed-up Dundee cake. Let's take a look.

  [he lifts the lid of the toilet] 

  Alan Partridge : Not a trace. Peace of mind, I'm sure. Especially if you have elderly relatives onboard.

• Alan Partridge : [doing the "Cock-a-doodle Who?" segment in his radio show]  And I asked "Who invented the skip?" Jack on line 2.

  Jack : Morning, Alan.

  Alan Partridge : Good morning.

  Jack : I just wanted to say your comments earlier about farmers was ignorant and offensive.

  Alan Partridge : Who invented the skip?

  Jack : I don't care who invented the skip, I think it's way out of order...

  Alan Partridge : Who invented the skip?

  Jack : You speak like a man who has no knowledge...

  Alan Partridge : Who invented the skip?

  Jack : ...of the subject that you're talking about.

  Alan Partridge : Who invented the skip?

  Jack : I don't know who invented the bloody skip! Bobby Moore? I don't bloody know, do I? I'm just sick and tired of you slagging farmers off. Are you gonna apologise to them all on your show, are you? Eh? Are you gonna apol...

  Alan Partridge : Come on, you must know some of the rotten rubbish you produce. I mean, tongue, for example. Who eats tongue for goodness sake? Imagine a tongue sticking out of a sesame seed cob?

  Jack : Listen, you made these comments without any real knowledge about the pressures that we're under. I just didn't find it very funny, that's all.

  Alan Partridge : Well, I wouldn't eat one of your tomatoes if it came up and said "Eat me", which is not unlikely considering all the rubbish you stick in 'em.

  Jack : You ignorant shit!

  [Alan press a button and plays a sound effect of a cockerel to try and drown him out, though he's just a second too late] 

  Alan Partridge : Caroline, line 4. Hello.

  Caroline : Hello, Alan. So, yeah, have you got a brain or is your head just full of shit?

  [Alan plays a cow mooing sound effect. Though again he wasn't quick enough to drown out the word "shit"] 

  Alan Partridge : OK, Mike from Palgrave. Are you there, sir?

  Mike : Oh, you ignorant cu...

  [Alan successfully drowns him out with a fanfare sound effect] 

• Alan Partridge : You have big sheds, but nobody's allowed in. And inside these big sheds are twenty-foot-high chickens, because of all the chemicals you've put in 'em, and these chickens are scared! They don't know why they're so big! They go "Oh, why am I so massive?" And they're looking down at all the other little chickens and they think they're in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small.

  [by the time Alan finishes saying this, Peter Baxendale Thomas walks out of the radio studio] 

  Alan Partridge : Do you deny that? No. His silence, I think, speaks volumes.

• Peter Baxendale Thomas : You seem to alienate everybody you come across. Including, I gather, your wife, which is why you end up living like some bloody tramp in a lay-by.

  Alan Partridge : It's a Travel Tavern.

  Peter Baxendale Thomas : I don't care what you call your sordid little grief hole.

• Steve Bennett : Alan, it's a boat video. You know, we're not making a James Bond movie.

  Alan Partridge : [to Hugh Morris, who uses an electronic voice box because he has no vocal cords]  Interesting, because you do sound like a baddie in a James Bond film. Dr. No... Vocal Cords.

• Alan Partridge : [presenting his radio show]  Thanks very much for being "This morning's farmer", Robert Moon. Robert, did you have your breakfast this morning?

  Robert Moon : [on the phone]  Well, I reckon the way things are going, I...

  Alan Partridge : Can you just answer "yes", for the purposes of a joke?

  Robert Moon : Yes.

  Alan Partridge : In which case, you must be a full moon.

  [pause] 

  Alan Partridge : Hello?

  Robert Moon : I'm still here.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, I was just making a pun on your name.

  Robert Moon : Oh, right.

  Alan Partridge : Anyway, thank you very much for being "This morning's farmer".

  [Alan plays a jingle - a version of "Old MacDonald had a farm"] 

  Alan Partridge : Sorry about that, Robert a bit slow on the uptake there. Don't know what he had for breakfast. Presumably an infected spinal column in a bap.

• [as Alan films a video for a boating holiday company, some farmers start shouting abuse at him from the riverbank] 

  Farmer : Partridge, you wanker!

  [as the farmers shout abuse, Alan just ignores them, steers the boat and acts like he's having a nice time] 

  Alan Partridge : Ahhh. Ah. We'll dub that out, play some music over it.

• [clip at the end of the title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : [putting some rubbish into a bin]  Put that in the bin.

• [on his radio show, Alan is arguing with a representative from the farmer's union] 

  Peter Baxendale Thomas : I want to know where you think you've earned the right to go swanning off on these ludicrous...

  Alan Partridge : Swans! Ah, swans, swans... You feed beefburgers to swans.

  Peter Baxendale Thomas : Do I?

  Alan Partridge : Yes, you do.

  Peter Baxendale Thomas : All right, well, perhaps you can tell me what's wrong with feeding beefburgers to swans.

  Alan Partridge : Oh. What?

  Peter Baxendale Thomas : Well, if you fill a swan's stomach up with beefburgers, it's full of fat, it'll float better. That's why we do it.

  Alan Partridge : Really?

  Peter Baxendale Thomas : No, you complete cretin! I'm just contributing to this total farce!

• Alan Partridge : [drunk]  I'm having the best time since sliced bread.

• Alan Partridge : [calling his estranged wife while drunk]  How's Mr. "Planet of the Apes" man? Is he still driving that Renault Mégane? Can I just read you something from Top Gear magazine? It's all right, I've got it here. "With a mere 90 brake horsepower available, progress is too leisurely to be called fast. But on a motorway, in fifth gear, the Mégane's slow pace really becomes a pain. Uphill runs become power-sappingly mundane, while overtaking National Express coaches can become a long, drawn-out affair." Not my words, Carol, the words of Top Gear magazine. Hello?

  [she's hung up on him so he puts the phone down]