- Helen Girardi: OK, Luke, what was your involvement?
- Luke: I hit a button... it was scientifically unsound...
- Joan: I made a huge mistake when I didn't hurl that cell phone into a shower stall.
- Grace: You have to nip this in the bud. People who use smiley faces in their e-mail do not deserve that much power.
- Adam: Are you talking about the panty shot?
- [Joan moans in embarrassment and bangs her head against her locker]
- Adam: I deleted it, like, immediately.
- Joan: This is a nightmare.
- [seeing students' looks as they pass]
- Joan: An actual nightmare I've had in my sleep.
- Joan: [at Helen's art gallery showing] You let her have red wine?
- Will Girardi: Well, I tried to steer her to the white, but I got distracted by all the, uh, arty people.
- Joan: Well, fix it!
- Helen Girardi: Do you want me to heat up some dinner for you?
- Will Girardi: No, thanks. I ate something chicken-related at the station.
- Helen Girardi: Any more casualties?
- Will Girardi: Six isn't enough? Oh, I hate the ones where there's no bad guy.
- Will Girardi: [after Helen reads a critical review of her gallery showing] Hey, you want me to shoot him? 'Cause I got my gun back.
- Helen Girardi: [crying] Just give me your gun and I'll shoot him myself.
- Nigerian Doctor God: [bringing Joan a pair of crutches after she twists her ankle] You know how to use these?
- Joan: I know how to make electricity from sugar.
- Nigerian Doctor God: No, you don't. You just memorized it for the test.
- Joan: Why are you punishing me? I haven't even done anything yet.
- Nigerian Doctor God: Yet.
- Joan: Oh, wow. So thoughts really do count.
- Nigerian Doctor God: Thoughts are things, Joan. And I don't punish people. You punish yourselves.
- Joan: Hmm.
- Nigerian Doctor God: You're so good at it, I could almost retire.
- Joan: Well, why don't you?
- Nigerian Doctor God: I like my work.
- Exchange Student God: Repeating myself is part of the job. "Vengeance is mine..." sayeth me.
- Adam: Iris is a good person...
- Joan: I know!... It... eck hem... It's just that her voice, it drives me crazy...
- Adam: Its her real voice... It drives me crazy too...
- Joan: But you love her.
- Adam: I... I like her a lot.
- Joan: And you want me to like her too...
- Adam: No... But I want you to like me
- Joan: Adam... I don't just like you...
- Adam: Yeah... yeah me too... Good night, Jane.
- Helen Girardi: ...our jobs as artists is to press on, continue creating, 'cause that's who we are - even if some critic does squash you like a bug, that's who we are.