- David Hasselhoff: This little guy approached me at racquetball with a script. I try to refer him to my agent, and for some reason my agent approves it. I gotta get a new agent.
- Elliot DiMauro: I was working on a photo shoot with miniatures. It had a Godzilla theme. I built an eight-inch Tokyo and had Tyra Banks stomp all over it in a thong. She scraped her ass on Mount Fuji.
- David Hasselhoff: I did not scratch your car!
- David Hasselhoff: [on-camera interview] I scratched his car. Usually, I'd appologize right away, but it was just a tiny little scratch, and he was being a jerk. Screw him.
- Elliot DiMauro: I have seen my aunt back her car over a poodle. I have seen my uncle beat a black bear to death with a log. But until you see a bird suffer... and so slowly...
- Maya Gallo: You know how at the end it says that no animals were harmed in the making of this film? An animal was harmed in the making of this film.
- Jack Gallo: I want David Hasselhoff to apologize to me. I also want him to apologize to my car. I'm not kidding.
- Kevin Liotta: Dennis is really smart. His script has a lot of clever details. For example, the characters Han and Leia have the same names as characters in another movie.
- [whispers]
- Kevin Liotta: It's Star Wars.
- Dennis Finch: At least I think I got this house thing figured out.
- Kevin Liotta: Sorry, Finch. My mom says we can't burn her house.
- Dennis Finch: What? Did you tell her we were going to put it out right away?
- Kevin Liotta: Yeah.
- Dennis Finch: Did you tell her we were going to give her an executive producer credit?
- Kevin Liotta: Yeah. Sorry.
- Dennis Finch: Dammit! Nothing is coming out right!
- Kevin Liotta: She also said the script was derivative and confusing.
- Maya Gallo: George Lucas had trouble with his first film, too.
- Dennis Finch: No!
- Maya Gallo: He was throwing up every day while filming American Graffiti.
- Maya Gallo: [on camera interview] George Lucas didn't really throw up, but I know Dennis does when he gets nervous or excited, and I thought he would relate to that.
- Dennis Finch: I'm going ahead with this movie, and every day I'm going to think of George Lucas, and throw up.
- Dennis Finch: Is the world going to end? Yes, but not because of this. So I guess it's a race between me and the world. Hey, world! I hope you got your running shoes on.