- [first lines]
- Lucy Carmichael: [on the phone] Hello? Oh hi Mary Jane. Go to the beach? Are you kidding? Well it sounds wonderful, but I have to work. Yes, on a Saturday, yes. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's not fair, comparing Mr. Mooney to Simon Legree. No, no, I'm not defending Mr. Mooney, I'm defending Simon Legree.
- Lucy Carmichael: Oh no! This is unbelievable!
- Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: They want you to pay more income tax.
- Lucy Carmichael: No. Worse than that.
- Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: Nothing can be worse than paying more income tax.
- Lucy Carmichael: Yes, it can. I've been drafted.
- Lucy Carmichael: Imagine putting me in the Army.
- Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: Don't worry. You'll never pass the physical.
- Male Recruit: What are you bawlin' about, Mac?
- Lucy Carmichael: [crying] My hair! They cut off my hair!
- Male Recruit: So what? They cut off mine, too and mine was longer than yours!
- Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: [to Lucy] Starting first thing tomorrow, you come back to work for me.
- Marine Sergeant: Mr. Mooney. I want you to have this.
- Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: What's that?
- Marine Sergeant: My medal for bravery. You deserve it more than I do!
- Lucy Carmichael: Oh boy, I've made military history!
- Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: Oh?
- Lucy Carmichael: Yea, I think I'm the first Marine to ever get out of the service because he was a mother!
- [last lines]
- Lucy Carmichael: What did you say?
- Pvt. Gomer Pyle: I said, I'm this here Carmichael's replacement.
- Lucy Carmichael: [to Marine Sergeant] Good luck. buddy.