M*A*S*H (TV Series)
April Fools (1980)
Harry Morgan: Col. Sherman T. Potter
Photos
Quotes
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : HOLY HEMOSTAT!
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : So don't feel bad, folks. You really didn't stand a snowball's chance in Guam.
Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : Sherm and I have been doing this for three wars now.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Of course, things didn't always work out so good. Remember the time we slipped the rubber hamburgers into the chow line?
Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : Yeah. Trouble was, nobody noticed.
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : [Col. Potter and Col. Tucker laugh hysterically, after revealing their prank] I gotcha, Pierce! I got all of you April fools. I got you, got you, got you. I even got that hairy cuckoo. If he thinks he's got his Section Eight, he's really crazy!
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : Oh, you're a peck of pips, all right. Despite my direct orders, you just had to put "Be stupid" first on your list of things to do today!
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : What's going on here?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : 'Tis the season to be silly, Colonel. April one-eth is at hand.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Bushwa! My Farmer's Almanac says it's still March.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Oh, but Colonel, I mean, the festive spirit of April Fool can scarcely be contained within a mere 24-hour period.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : And there are only a few joking days left.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Okay, okay. But just include me out. "Understandez" vous?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Colonel, how could you even think it? Your persona is truly hallowed.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : And don't you forget it. Besides which, I've seen 'em all.
[Col. Potter turns to exit, revealing a tail clamped to the seat of his pants]
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : HOLY HEMOSTAT! We're in for it now.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : For what, sir?
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker, lord high executioner of the surgeon general's office, is coming to observe our medical setup.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Observe doesn't sound too scary.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : This fella can observe you to smithereens. From what I hear, he's a fire and brimstone doctor with a three-second fuse. A stickler's stickler. Quotes army medical regs by memory, especially the part on courts-martial.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Uh, sir, about that three-day pass I just decided to ask for...
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Nix on passes. This is an A-1, four-alarm, red, white and blue alert.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Allah be praised I was too stupid to get into med school.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Yeah, well, you got enough smarts to shape up these files. He's gonna examine everything from "A" to "Z" and then some. And medical supplies. Order everything you can order, including order forms.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : But, sir, I'm already drowning in paperwork.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Well, hold onto your honker and tread water if you have to, just do it!
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : Word is, this Tucker hombre is tougher than beef jerky and harder to swallow. We're talking about a man who picks his teeth with a rusty nail. So, for the sake of me and my EAGLES, which I worked so hard to get, there will be no--I repeat, NADA--in the way of larks, antics, or shenanigans while he's here. Got it?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Got it.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Loud and-or clear, sir.
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Thanks for the room service, Margaret. I always did like breakfast in boot.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
[to Col. Potter]
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Don't worry about me, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I owe you one.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Wait a minute. Pierce, are you "deef"? I'm giving your hijinks the heave-ho, post haste. I'm the boss here! I can do that!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I heard you, Colonel.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : And?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : And I'll follow your instructions to the letter.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Fine, fine. I knew you wouldn't let your revered leader down. But just in case, check your joy buzzers at the door. Dismissed.