- Radar: Our cow's in labor.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You held up a phone call to my sister so that he could bless a COW?
- Radar: Well, cows are people too, ya know.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: And I'm arguing with him.
- Radar: [Father Mulcahey is about to bless Radar's cow in Iowa over the phone] Do you think you can do it in Methodist?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: I'm a piano player, Radar. I'll transpose.
- Radar: Oh! It's coming out backwards!
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Like everything else around here.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I understand the cook made us a traditional Christmas dinner.
- Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Right, turkey on shingles with cranberry sausage.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [On the phone with Radar's mother, who is about to deliver a calf] Alright, listen carefully, Mrs. O'Reilly. You're going to have to put your hand inside the cow and turn the calf around.
- Radar: [grossed out] OH! OOOH, MAN! Oh, boy! Father.
- [Father Mulcahy sits him down]
- Radar: WHOA, BOY! OH! OH!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [B.J. is dressed as Santa Claus] Listen, fella, I've actually seen Santa Claus. I sat on his lap once. And I'm here to tell you, you ain't him.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: How can you tell, Virginia?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well in the first place, is that a brown mustache or are you eating a mouse?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Listen, I don't cover up this mustache for nobody, fella. Buzz off.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Gee. whatever happened to 'ho ho ho'?
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Yes. Yes, I am a doctor, but I'm Presbyterian. Will that be alright?