- [first lines]
- [Trapper drives a golf ball, which sets off an explosion in the mine field]
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Fore!
- [Radar stops in mid-football practice to look out over the hills]
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Here they come!
- Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: I don't hear nothin'.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Wait for it.
- Maj. Frank Burns: [Frank catches Hawkeye rummaging through his things] What are you doing there?
- Hawkeye: Oh, I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Since when are you interested in the Bible?
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Shut up! Get off of there!
- [grabs Hawkeye and pulls him down off the bed]
- Hawkeye: Hey, don't get physical, Frank. You'll blow your sainthood.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!
- Hawkeye: Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm just gonna have to challenge you to a duel.
- Brig. Gen. Charlie Hammond: Henry, those two maniacs are the best two surgeons I've ever seen. Made me feel like a horsedoctor in there. And make sure you don't lose them - not even to me.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes, sir.
- Hawkeye: [General Hammond has put Hawkeye and Trapper under arrest] What's the charge, General?
- Brig. Gen. Charlie Hammond: Breaking orders by having this party.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: And handing out unauthorized passes!
- [Takes the passes from Hawkeye]
- Hawkeye: [Sees Frank, swathed in bandages, led in by Margaret; speaks mimicking Peter Lorre] Uuuuuh! The mummy strikes!
- Hawkeye: Ya know we gotta do it someday. Invite all the jokers from the north and the south for a cocktail party... Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war!
- Hawkeye: Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!
- Hawkeye: [to Hot Lips] Why don't you stop worrying about Elmer Gantry? Grab yourself a partner and give him a dancing physical.
- Brig. Gen. Charlie Hammond: [Seeing Margaret Houlihan, with whom he once had a relationship] Hot Lips!
- Hawkeye, Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: [Turning to each other] Hot Lips?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes sir?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar! Radar, don't do that.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes sir. You wanted to see me, sir?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes, but let me say I want to see you before I see you.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Bad news from my wife. She still loves me. Would you believe this? She still thinks I got sent to Korea as part of some secret plot to cheat on her.
- Hawkeye: Well, didn't you?
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Yeah, but how did she figure it out.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: How are ya, Henry?
- Hawkeye: How are ya, Henry?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: That's not what you guys came to ask. I mean, the last thing you wanna know when you say, "How are you?" is how am I.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Seems like a good enough cause. Why don't I trust you guys?
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: 'Cause we're not trustworthy.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah, maybe that's it.
- Hawkeye: Hey, Ho-Jon, come here. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Is that a good place to stay?
- Hawkeye: Frank's gone over to the enemy. They offered his a hundred more dollars a week and a royalty on bedpans.