- Trapper: See you at the movie tonight?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What's showing?
- Trapper: "Love Life of a Gorilla" and "Bonzo Goes to College".
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I'll wait for the books to come out.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know something Henry?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Thanks. You know something Pierce?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You're disgusting when you try to be nice.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You woke me up for that, Private O'Reilly?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Corporal, Sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Nothing is forever, Radar.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The shrapnel tore the back of the sigmoid colon!
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That has to be it!
- Maj. Frank Burns: Anybody could have missed that.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thanks, Frank.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know something, Major?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: What's that?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're beautiful when you sweat.