Magnum, P.I. (TV Series)

Faith and Begorrah (1983)

Tom Selleck: Thomas Magnum

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Magnum and Higgins say goodbye to Paddy at the airport] 

  Father Paddy McGuinness : If you're ever in Northern Ireland...

  Higgins : I'll call first.

  [a pause. Paddy hugs Higgins] 

  Father Paddy McGuinness : It's been grand seeing you.

  Higgins : You too... brother.

  Father Paddy McGuinness : God bless you, brother darling.

  [Paddy walks to the terminal. He notices a cigarette inside an ashtray, takes it and smokes. Seeing that, Higgins sighs and Magnum smiles. Paddy turns to speak with Higgins] 

  Father Paddy McGuinness : You know, we ought to have a family reunion, get all of Dad's kids together. You, me, Elmo, Soo-Ling.

  [Paddy walks away. Magnum inquisitively glances at Higgins, who seems embarrassed at the mention of Soo-Ling] 

  Magnum : Soo-Ling?

  Higgins : I don't suppose you'd have the decency to drop it.

  [Magnum gives Higgins a "I want to hear the whole story" look] 

  Higgins : [annoyed]  That's what I thought.

  [Magnum smiles. Higgins sighs and begins telling the story while they are walking to the exit] 

  Higgins : In 1928, my father was military attaché to the embassy in Peking. He was asked to escort a contingent of Episcopal nuns to Hentiy, where they were to establish a mission. Along the way, they were ambushed by Mongolian bandits led by a beautiful, raven-haired woman. She had never seen an Englishman before, and natually found my father fascinating, so fascinating that she was willing to let the nuns go on in exchange for certain... favors, so to speak. She took my father to a cliff overlooking the sea and...

• [at the estate, Higgins prepares his family tree. Magnum enters, about to tell him about meeting his half-brother Father Paddy McGuinness] 

  Magnum : [chuckles]  You are not gonna believe this. I met this priest in a bar while I was tailing "Legs".

  Higgins : I already find it preposterous.

  Magnum : Guess what? Guess?

  Higgins : [dryly]  I'd really rather not.

  [Magnum notices the family tree] 

  Magnum : What is that?

  Higgins : I should think it's rather obvious.

  Magnum : What, are you tracing the lads'... pedigree?

  Higgins : [annoyed]  It's the genealogical history of the Higgins family.

  Magnum : Oh. No offence, lads.

  [the dogs wail] 

  Higgins : [impatienly]  Magnum, what do you want?

  Magnum : Like I said...

  Higgins : [interrupts]  You were tailing someone called "Legs" and you met this priest.

  Magnum : [grins]  Not just a priest, Higgins, an Irish priest. And guess what?

  Higgins : I said I'd really rather not.

  Magnum : He looked like you.

  Higgins : [dryly]  How delightful. An Irish priest is in the islands who...

  [Higgins stops in the mid-sentence, as if something occurred to him. He gapes and his eyes widen] 

  Higgins : ...looks like me.

  Magnum : [laughs]  Ha! I knew it would get to you. I mean, how many people in the world look like... like you? Of course, he wasn't exactly like you.

  Higgins : He wasn't?

  Magnum : He had curly hair and a beard.

  [Higgins sighs and sits down] 

  Magnum : [amused]  Higgins! Ha-ha-ha! Don't take it so hard. I mean, we all have people who look like us. I've even heard that somewhere in the world there's an exact double for each of us.

  Higgins : [quietly]  What is this priest's name?

  Magnum : Father Paddy... Paddy...

  Higgins : McGuinness.

  Magnum : That's it! How did you know?

  Higgins : He's my... half-brother.

  [the dogs wail. Magnum examines the family tree] 

  Magnum : Higgins, if Father Paddy is your half-brother, why isn't his name on here?

  Higgins : Because he's... illegitimate.

  Magnum : You mean like your brother Elmo?

  Higgins : [irritated]  No, not like Elmo! I mean, yes, like Elmo, but the circumstances were quite different, I assure you.

  Magnum : As I recall, it was during World War I. Your father was pulled from the trenches desperately ill with influenza. He was taken to a field hospital where Elmo's mother, a Red Cross nurse from Texas...

  Higgins : Magnum, some things are better left unsaid.

  Magnum : Of course.

• [Higgins tells Manum about his half-brother Paddy McGuinness] 

  Higgins : It was just after the Great War. Father was a major in the Prince of Wales' Own Light Horse, and was dispatched to Ireland to help quell the rebellion. Not the kind of officer to keep to table and hearth, even in a bitter Irish winter. Father was leading a patrol delivering milk to an orphanage. He was ambushed by the IRA. Desperately wounded, he managed to hold the rebels off until his men could safely escape, then he crawled into a bog and hid in a snowbank. Early the next morning, a young widow woman, foraging for fuel, found him and took him to her cottage. Those were hard times in Ireland and peat was scarce, especially to a woman with no husband. Father was near frozen to death. So she did the only thing she could to get him warm.

  Magnum : Of course.

  Higgins : Being delirious, naturally Father had no idea what she was doing. He told my mother later that the only thing that kept him going through that terrible ordeal was the thought of her.

  Magnum : [smiles]  Of your mother?

  Higgins : [irritated]  Yes!

  [Magnum shrugs] 

  Higgins : After he'd... thawed out sufficiently, he found his way back to his regiment, and nine months later...

  Magnum : [exclaims]  Father Paddy was born! Ha-ha-ha!

  Higgins : [irritated]  Well, he wasn't Father Paddy then!

  Magnum : [laughs]  No, of course not, Higgins. Look. I don't want to cast aspersions on your father, but considering how Elmo and... Father Paddy were, uh, sired, I mean, did it ever occur to you that your father may be...

  Higgins : No!

  Magnum : [shrugs]  I didn't think so.

  [Higgins paces across the room nervously] 

  Higgins : What's he doing here?

  Magnum : He didn't say, Higgins. I assumed he was on vacation. I dropped him off at the Low Surf hotel.

  Higgins : [dryly]  How fitting.

  Magnum : Oh, come on. Everyone can't afford a beach front on Waikiki. Of course, now he'll be staying here.

  Higgins : [shocked]  Here? Here? Magnum, have you gone mad? The opening of the Queen Mother's wing of the Hawaiian British Museum is this week. As president of the Anglo Society in the Sandwich Islands, I'm in charge of the festivities. There will be a formal ball, famous personages will be in attendance, some of them will be staying on the estate. I'm even making a personal phone call to the Queen Mother to thank her for her contributions. And with all this, you expect me to play host to a slovenly, alcoholic, illegitimate Irish priest?

  Magnum : Higgins, you're a bigot.

  Higgins : Of course I am a bigot! Isn't everybody?

  Magnum : He's your brother.

  Higgins : My illegitimate half-brother.

  Magnum : You can call him anything you want, Higgins. He is still your father's son.

  [Higgins sighs] 

  Magnum : [narrating]  I left Higgins to wrestle with his conscience, and wrestled with a problem of my own - how to tell my client that his wife was probably having an affair.