Malcolm in the Middle (TV Series)

Funeral (2000)

Frankie Muniz: Malcolm

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Malcolm : I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow and I haven't even started reading it.

  [to the camera] 

  Malcolm : Standard technique: you volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.

  Lois : So, what's the report on?

  Malcolm : A Tale of Two Cities.

  Lois : Oh, how many words?

  Malcolm : 750.

  Lois : Was that on your assignment sheet?

  Malcolm : No, it's an addendum.

  Lois : When did you get that?

  Malcolm : Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment.

  [to the camera] 

  Malcolm : Ooh, nice one.

  Lois : Well, I suppose if it's schoolwork...

  Malcolm : [to the camera]  That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.

  Lois : A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?

  Malcolm : Charles Dickens.

  Lois : Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.

  Malcolm : No, it's Dickens.

  Lois : Is that the one with Jean Valjean?

  Malcolm : That's Les Miserables.

  Lois : No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he's says "It's a far, far better thing I do..." right before he steals a loaf of bread?

  Malcolm : No. Sidney Carton says that right before they behead him.

  Lois : I thought you hadn't read it.

  Malcolm : What? No. I said I hadn't written it.

  Lois : And when is it due?

  Malcolm : Tomorrow. I told you.

  Lois : On Les Miserables?

  Malcolm : Yes. No! A Tale of Two Cities.

  Lois : Which you haven't read yet.

  Malcolm : Right.

  Lois : But you just said you did.

  Malcolm : No, I... I said I didn't, and then you said... it was... Thursday, and... look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral. There's no reason for me to go and I want to go to the concert with Julie!

• Malcolm : [after Malcolm reads a poem in class; to Stevie]  Before you say anything, just remember we're best friends, so that wheelchair isn't going to stop me from kicking your ass.

  Stevie Kenarban : Bring it on, Homeo.

• Lois : Malcolm, I am ashamed of you. Wanting to deny your poor Aunt Helen her due.

  Malcolm : No, that won't work on me. Because I know you didn't love Aunt Helen. You hated her!

  Lois : 'Course I hated her. What does that have to do with anything?

  Malcolm : What?

  Lois : Malcolm, this isn't about love. It's about family. We have a duty to this family and we are darn well going to do it.

• Malcolm : Hey! You can't leave this mess here. I've got a guest coming over.

  Reese : Too bad. Thanks to you, no one has to do anything anymore. It's anarchy, baby. That's the word, right?

• Lois : [to Malcolm]  Did you call that girl?

  Malcolm : Yes, I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert and now she's probably going to invite someone else.

  Lois : Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister, the woman who took care of me every day after school had to die and inconvenience your social life

• Malcolm : Mom, I hate wearing Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this. Jelly in the pockets, the fly's broken and it smells like wet dog.

  Lois : Well, you should be glad he only wore it once.

• Malcolm : She does it on purpose. I could have made up a million different escape plan, but now my brain is filled with mom guilt

• Julie Houlerman : [after Julie crashes into the garbage]  I just wanted to be nice. People told me not to come to your house, but I thought they were just being silly!

  Malcolm : Julie, I'm sorry. Things aren't usually like this. Just give me a minute and I'll be ready to go.

  Julie Houlerman : I don't want to go anymore! Just leave me alone!

  [storms out of the house] 

• Malcolm : Mom, this has gone too far. You have to do something. It's not supposed to be like this.We're not supposed to injure my friends. We're not supposed to let people see me in my underpants. We're supposed to be there for each other.

  Lois : Like when a family member dies and we're supposed to go to their funeral?

• Malcolm : I did a terrible thing today. I tore this family apart and I'm really sorry for that. But... it's not half as bad as what Reese did!

  [opens up Reese's backpack and pulls out the destroyed Mighty Man doll] 

  Lois : Oh, my God! Was this Dewey's present?

  Dewey : Present?

  Lois : Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? Hal?

  Hal : I'm on it. That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.

  Malcolm : There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.

  Hal : You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man?

  Dewey : M-Mighty Man?

  Lois : I can't believe you.

  Hal : This is a whole new low, Reese.

  Reese : First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. As for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.

  Lois : Who says we're not going?

  Reese : You did.

  Lois : Well, you can guess again. You are going to march right up to that coffin and apologize to that poor, dead woman.

• Malcolm : Well, it's been a pretty productive day. I made Julie Houlerman hate me. Reese is going to kill me the second we get home and right now, Aunt Helen is personally bad-mouthing me to God.