Malcolm in the Middle (TV Series)

Pilot (2000)

Frankie Muniz: Malcolm Wilkerson

Photos 

17 more photos

Quotes 

• Caroline Miller : Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it. Okay?

  Malcolm : The man only has four fingers.

  Caroline Miller : Right, but this time I want you to really take your time and really look at...

  Malcolm : The car's shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the man's watch wouldn't say twelve o'clock if he was looking at a sunset, and I have red paint on my ass. That's right - red paint all over my ass.

• Malcolm : You wanna know what the best thing about childhood is? At some point it stops.

• Francis : Dad, I know what you're going to say, and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless, and I'm really sorry. I'm just hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which I admit I don't deserve. If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I could earn your trust back.

  Malcolm : It's not like it was even our car!

• Malcolm : This is the world. 196 million square miles. If I covered 100 square miles every hour for the rest of my life, I'd only see half.

  [We see Reese's nose] 

  Malcolm : And this is my brother Reese's left nostril. It squeaks... all night long.

  [We see Dewey's feet] 

  Malcolm : And these are the feet of our little brother Dewey.

  [We see a picture of Francis] 

  Malcolm : This is my favorite brother, Francis. So naturally, my parents sent him off to military school.

  [We see Malcolm] 

  Malcolm : My name is Malcolm. You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

• Lois : There's nothing wrong with being smart. There's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either. It makes you the one buffalo who isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.

  Malcolm : Huh?

• Lois : Any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working in a car wash.

  Malcolm : This shouldn't make me feel better. But it does.

• Malcolm : Around here, being smart is exactly like being radioactive.

• Lois : Look at those Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but, honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think? And those Henderson kids that electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable. How smart can they be? And your friend Richard.

  Malcolm : He's not ugly or dumb.

  Lois : Yes, but he's very effeminate. Just remember: any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working it a car wash.

  Malcolm : [he looks at the camera, i.e., the audience]  This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.

• Malcolm : What d'you do if he catches you?

  Dewey : Roll in a ball.

  Malcolm : What if he starts kicking you?

  Dewey : Stay in a ball.

• Lois : I saw his mother at the grocery store, she said you boys ate lunch together.

  Malcolm : One time! He rolled his wheelchair over next to me. It's not like I could say go away.

• Malcolm : If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.

  Lois : You kids...

  Malcolm : Dang!

• Reese : He goes to parties, drinks beer, and goes skiing.

  Malcolm : Right, genius! They do lots of skiing in Alabama.

• Lois : It's about Malcolm.

  Malcolm : I didn't do it.

  Reese : Yes he did it, I saw him.

• Malcolm : I want a better family!

• Malcolm : Why do they keep doing that?

  Stevie Kenarban : You're new.

  Malcolm : Oh great, so I'm the freak of the freakshow?

• Malcolm : Okay, it wasn't funny when Spath started crying. No wait, it was!

• Malcolm : Oh sure, you're okay because this doesn't make any difference to you. You've always been a freak. I used to be normal. Wait... who just said that? You're gonna take that the wrong way, aren't you?

  Stevie Kenarban : You... suck!