- Caroline Miller: Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it. Okay?
- Malcolm: The man only has four fingers.
- Caroline Miller: Right, but this time I want you to really take your time and really look at...
- Malcolm: The car's shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the man's watch wouldn't say twelve o'clock if he was looking at a sunset, and I have red paint on my ass. That's right - red paint all over my ass.
- Malcolm's Teacher: Oh Malcolm, this is wonderful. The perspective is good, the composition is clean, and it even shows signs of actual technique. I have to say this is the highpoint of my day. How's that for sad?
- Lois: They have a special program for gifted children. They have advanced textbooks and devoted teachers and all sorts of good things they don't want to waste on normal kids.
- Francis: Dad, I know what you're going to say, and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless, and I'm really sorry. I'm just hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which I admit I don't deserve. If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I could earn your trust back.
- Malcolm: It's not like it was even our car!
- Hal: They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus and letting a bunch of school children name it. That's gonna end badly.
- Caroline Miller: Could you, you know, maybe put a top on?
- Lois: They're just boobs, lady, you see them in the mirror every morning, and I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.
- Malcolm: This is the world. 196 million square miles. If I covered 100 square miles every hour for the rest of my life, I'd only see half.
- [We see Reese's nose]
- Malcolm: And this is my brother Reese's left nostril. It squeaks... all night long.
- [We see Dewey's feet]
- Malcolm: And these are the feet of our little brother Dewey.
- [We see a picture of Francis]
- Malcolm: This is my favorite brother, Francis. So naturally, my parents sent him off to military school.
- [We see Malcolm]
- Malcolm: My name is Malcolm. You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.
- Dave Spath: All right, here's how it works. You can beg for mercy on your belly, lick the bottom of my shoes, or take a beating. You must pick at least two. But, but, but... if you pick three, you get a pass for the next two weeks. All right? That's your best value.
- Teacher: Now, kids, Malcolm may not look different from the rest of us, but he is. In his brain.
- Lois: Look at those Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but, honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think? And those Henderson kids that electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable. How smart can they be? And your friend Richard.
- Malcolm: He's not ugly or dumb.
- Lois: Yes, but he's very effeminate. Just remember: any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working it a car wash.
- Malcolm: [he looks at the camera, i.e., the audience] This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.
- Lois: You kids, you just take your legs for granted, you know, like nothing could ever happen to them. Well, let me tell you something: that is just wishful thinking. There's meningitis, there are car accidents, I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. Every day is a lottery, and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourselves around town on a skateboard with your hands. You think about that.
- Lois: Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch, the other one can have, eh... I don't know, I think they're peas.
- Lois: Sweetie, life does not give you a lot of chances to move up, even if you deserve it. Look at your dad and me.
- Malcolm: Why do they keep doing that?
- Stevie Kenarban: You're new.
- Malcolm: Oh great, so I'm the freak of the freakshow?
- Malcolm: Oh sure, you're okay because this doesn't make any difference to you. You've always been a freak. I used to be normal. Wait... who just said that? You're gonna take that the wrong way, aren't you?
- Stevie Kenarban: You... suck!