- Lois: [entering the boys' room] What did you do?
- Malcolm: What?
- Lois: Don't give that look. What did you do?
- Malcolm: Nothing.
- Lois: Well, I suppose you wouldn't mind if I... took a look in here!
- [opens a drawer]
- Malcolm: Mom, I'm telling you. we didn't do anything.
- Lois: [notices the curtains are closed] If you've broken another window, it's coming out of your...
- [opens curtain]
- Reese: Are you done? Wanna frisk me?
- Lois: You just consider yourselves lucky.
- [leaves then immediately returns, then closes door]
- Dewey: [tied up on back of door] That was close.
- Malcolm: Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.
- Malcolm: [while on the phone] Hey, Francis. You told me to remind you about Mom and Dad's anniversary.
- Francis: Ah, great. When is that?
- Malcolm: Tomorrow.
- Francis: Dude, you're supposed to remind me before so I can get 'em something.
- Malcolm: That's okay. We'll put your name on our gift.
- Francis: Cool. Thanks, man. I owe you one.
- Malcolm: No, you own me $20. That's what your share comes to.
- Francis: You got them an $80 gift?
- Malcolm: Uh, yeah.
- Reese: [while staring up at the ceiling] I wonder how many holes are up in those tiles.
- Malcolm: One hundred and eighty-six thousand, four hundred and eighty.
- Reese: You counted all of those?
- Malcolm: No. You just count one tile's row across and down, multiply it and then multiply it again by the number of tiles.
- Reese: You're doing that more and more.
- Malcolm: Doing what?
- Reese: That brain thing. Are you just gonna keep getting smarter and weirder?
- Malcolm: I don't know.
- Reese: Well, can you tone it down a little bit? 'Cause I can't keep up with all these butt kickings.
- Malcolm: What are you talking about?
- Reese: Well, at least twice a day, I have to whoop-ass on some kid calling you a weirdo. Honestly, it's exhausting.
- Malcolm: You beat up kids 'cause they call me a weirdo?
- Reese: Well, the last kid? He was a freak anyways. He was in no position to throw out names.
- Malcolm: Thanks.
- Reese: For what?
- Malcolm: Nothing.
- Lois: [while talking to Francis on the phone] I cannot believe you, Francis. You think you are so clever turning them against me, don't you?
- Francis: No, Mom.
- Francis: We did not send you to military school so you could undermine my authority long-distance.
- Lois: Then why did you send me?
- Lois: Well, it was not so you could undermine my authority. And if I'm not mistaken, you are undermining my authority!
- Ed: Hi, Lois.
- Lois: Look, Ed. It's 9:00. I'm a little busy right now.
- Ed: Well, you see, there is the problem. It's 9:00 at night and I keep hearing screaming. Now this didn't sound like your normal screaming. It sounded more like killing screaming. Now, I'm not one to complain...
- Lois: That's why we like you.
- [shuts the front door in his face]
- Malcolm: The good thing about being smart is that I never have to look up any phone numbers. The bad thing is, no one else in my family ever bothers to remember anything.
- Lois: [after she discovers her red dress in the toilet burnt] Fire? Fire? Fire?
- Malcolm: Mom, what...?
- Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Where we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer. Who did this?
- Reese: Malcolm did it.
- Malcolm: Reese did it.
- Reese: I didn't do it!
- Malcolm: I didn't do it!
- Dewey: We're going to the dentist?
- Francis: [to Lois] You're spending your anniversary at home, fixating on a stupid dress. Is that what you wanted to do tonight?
- Lois: What am I supposed to do, Francis? Let it go?
- Francis: Yes. That's exactly what you should do. Let it go. But you can't because you can never let anything go.
- Lois: I can too let things go.
- Francis: Fine.
- Lois: I can.
- Francis: Fine.
- Lois: I can!
- Francis: Okay. Just forget I said anything.