Married... with Children (TV Series)

Bearly Men (1995)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Quotes 

• [Al, Bud and Ephraim find the bear in the company of mean street gang. The gang refuse to let the bear go. Al takes off his jacket, preparing to fight the gang leader] 

  Al Bundy : Any last words, punk?

  Gang Guy : Yeah, your wife is good in bed.

  Al Bundy : [grinning]  So you're a liar, too!

  [the gang leader tries to punch Al, but Al blocks his blow and punches him. Bud joins Al, and together they beat up the whole gang] 

• Al Bundy : Hey Marcy, did you see some guy dragging off my dead bear?

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : He's not dead you chucklehead. He just violated my Mercedes!

  Peggy Bundy : How do you know?

  [Jefferson enters looking deshelveled and wide-eyed] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Because we were in it.

  Peggy Bundy : Marcy, are you okay?

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : Oh, I'm all right. A little in shock and jealous.

  Peggy Bundy : Jealous?

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : Well, you should have seen him go and go and go. My God, if a car could smile. One thing I know for sure. Tonight, Jefferson, we're playing Buick and the Beast.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : [stammering]  I... I... I... I don't know Marcy. I might need some counselling. And, I think you may have to do all the work for a while.

• Al Bundy : Hey, Peg, you know what I was dreaming about at work today?

  Peggy : Me, Al?

  Al Bundy : Yes, Peg.

  Peggy : Was I in bed?

  Al Bundy : Yes, you were. In fact, I tied you up.

  Peggy : Ooh, well, that sounds so kinky, Al. What were you doing?

  Al Bundy : Cindy Crawford.

• Peg's Mom : [to Bud and Kelly after dropping beer cans on them]  Recycle those, please.

  Peggy Bundy : Isn't that great, Al? She's trying to save the Earth.

  Al Bundy : She *is* the Earth, Peg.

• Bud Bundy : Dad, this is nuts. Isn't there a-a-a nudie bar around Wanker we could take him to prove we're men?

  Al Bundy : Son, there is, but Wanker strippers are scarier than anything in these woods.

• Al Bundy , Bud Bundy : [singing to the Daniel Boone Theme song]  Grandma Wanker was a woman/She was a biiig woman/With the breath of a wino/and the chins of a rhino was she.

• Al Bundy : Jeez, it's lumpier than sleeping with your mother. How come you're so comfortable, Bud?

  Bud Bundy : Well, 'cause I, uh, brought an air mattress with me.

  [Bud has an inflatable doll in his sleeping bag] 

• Al Bundy : You hid all the food from the bears in your sleeping bag, didn't you?

  Bud Bundy : Yeah, just like you told me.

• Al Bundy : [examines some empty bottles]  He's close.

  Ephraim Wanker : How can you tell?

  Al Bundy : 'Cause no human could possibly drink more than one Zima.

• Bud Bundy : [about Ephraim]  I can't believe that worthless geezer left us here on our own.

  Al Bundy : Well, to be fair, he left us a map.

  [looks at the map] 

  Al Bundy : Unfortunately, it's a map of Epcot Center!

• Ephraim Wanker : [after Al and Bud beat up a street gang]  Wow, that was really something.

  Al Bundy : Thanks, Ephraim.

  Ephraim Wanker : Eh, see you.

  Al Bundy : See you? What do you mean, "see you"? Well, we're going back to the house and collect your wife.

  Ephraim Wanker : Oh, I-I-I'm not gonna do that, Al.

  Al Bundy : Well, what do you mean you're not gonna do it, Ephraim? Didn't I prove to you that I'm a real man?

  Ephraim Wanker : Yeah, but you also proved that I'm not one. Until I can be a man just like you, I don't deserve a little bride like Mama.

  Al Bundy : Wait a second, Ephraim. You're the most courageous man I know. Why... Why, you've seen that woman naked and y-you're still around to tell about it. Hey, I seen her in a nightie one time, my pupils are still dilated.