- [the Bundys have fled Al and Bud's execution in a horse-drawn cart, but in the next scene are shown walking]
- Kelly Bundy: Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "good job, Kelly, thank you."
- Al Bundy: Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then un-hitched the horse!
- [Al and Bud have halted on the borderline between Upper Uncton and Lower Unction, resulting in a stalemate between the two towns]
- Bud Bundy: Why aren't they killing us, Dad?
- Al Bundy: I don't know, son. We must be on the borderline.
- Trevor: Right, then! I'll settle this.
- [He snaps his fingers, and the Upper Uncton townspeople seize Peg and Kelly]
- Trevor: [points his gun at Peg's head] Now, then: come over here, or your wife and daughter are through!
- [Al and Bud trade an incredulous look, then laugh uproariously, taunting and beckoning Trevor to kill Peg and Kelly anyway]
- Winston: You fool! That didn't work with the other Bundys either.
- Trevor: Custard stands! Banners! "My Dad Saw Al Bundy Killed And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts!
- Peggy Bundy: Al, I'm scared.
- Al Bundy: Don't worry, babe. This Igor don't look too tough to me!
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, it's not him I'm worried about. They're going to be filming, and I left my bright sun makeup in the castle.
- [Al takes that in, then addresses the Lower Uncton townspeople]
- Al Bundy: And you guys thought you were cursed.
- [last lines]
- [Al is chained to a wall in a dungeon next to a grey, bearded prisoner]
- Al Bundy: What are you in for?
- Prisoner: Stole an ashtray from the Ritz. You?
- Al Bundy: A towel from the Savoy. Say, what do they feed you in here?
- Prisoner: Bread and water.
- Al Bundy: Then, this is truly the best vacation I've ever had!
- Mayor Fivshaw: When I say "begin", begin.
- [points a starter pistol skyward]
- Mayor Fivshaw: Begin!
- [fires]
- [Al and Bud have halted on the borderline between Upper Unction and Lower Unction, resulting in a stalemate between the two towns]
- Winston: Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.
- Trevor: No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.
- Winston: That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous!
- [shifting]
- Winston: Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we're eating sometimes.
- Trevor: What about a medieval joust? Just think of the promotional possibilities! Buttons, fanny packs, videotapes for the spectators!
- Winston: Igor, before you kill him, try and do something funny with him. Then we can sell a separate "Wacky Blooper" reel!
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, Al, do it! I love those!
- Mayor Fivshaw: Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble! On my left, five-time undefeated jousting champion, going by the name of Igor, the true death's sire!
- [cheering]
- Mayor Fivshaw: And on my right: from the Windy City of Chicago, U.S.A., Al "Stinkfoot" Bundy!
- [booing]
- Peggy Bundy: Al, before your death... I mean, certain victory, there's something I must ask you.
- Al Bundy: What is it, babe?
- Peggy Bundy: Do you have our return tickets? I mean, just in case you lose them during your victory dance?
- Al Bundy: Don't worry about me, babe. I played high school football. If I can take down an entire football team, I can take down a knight on his horse. Besides, if there's the chance I should die, it will comfort me greatly to know that you'll be stuck in this country for life!
- Al Bundy: [Giving a speech to the Lower Uncton townspeople] My people. Today I feel like the luckiest man on the face of the earth. As you know I played highschool football. I was great. And you kids out there would like to be just as great as I was. But beware: there is a killer out there, a temptation. It will up your money and your will to live. I know you've heard about it before, but you can't hear about it enough. Kids, please just say no to marriage!
- [Kelly, disgused as a peasant woman, comandeers a horse-drawn cart to rescue the rest of the Bundys]
- Kelly Bundy: [addressing the townspeople] Persuit woodsmen! Spare those men! Fear not, Daddy. There's no business like show business. Hi ho silverwear! Away!
- [Al and Bud are still on the borderline between Upper Unction and Lower Unction as the stalemate continues]
- Bud Bundy: Dad, I think it was brave of you say to them: "take me and let the boy go free."
- Al Bundy: I didn't say that, son.
- Bud Bundy: Don't you think it would be a good time to DO IT?
- Al Bundy: Why would I say that? What better and unhappy way to die then with my only ungrateful son?
- Bud Bundy: [sourly] I love you, Dad.
- Al Bundy: [scoffs] Yeah, right!