- Officer Dan: [gunfire has erupted outside NO MA'AM's hotel room and Officer Dan has returned fire] Damn postal workers!
- [to the unseen shooters]
- Officer Dan: Hey, you down there! We're from Chicago! Don't you know that we invented random violence?
- Al: Guys, we're in Washington, let's take advantage of what it has to offer. Griff, check out room service. Ike, fix that TV so we won't have to pay for the porn channel.
- [entering the guys' hotel room in Washington, D.C]
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Don't you head lice realize that the people of America have spoken? And America is definitely anti-violence...
- [looks out the window]
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Look out!
- [Everyone hits the floor again as another burst of gunfire is heard, shattering another of the windows]
- Ike: Look, I don't wanna rain on anybody's parade, but what makes you think we can get into Congress without any credentials?
- Bob Rooney: Sonny Bono did.
- Al: We've all been brought up on Road Runner cartoons and The Three Stooges, but how many of us have run a saw across a bald guy's head?
- Jefferson: Don't you wanna call home and make sure Peg and the kids are okay?
- Al: Relax, Jefferson, nothing is going to happen.
- News Reporter: [voice] Late word today from Chicago where a simple house party has spread like a virus. It is described as a Woodstock without the music. Police have been put on tactical alert... .
- [the channel is changed to the porn channel]
- Porn Actress: [voice] Oh Santa, I've been very, very bad.
- Al: [Is lying about going ice fishing when his friends are all wearing different outfits] So you see, Peg, after Jefferson gets the deer bait, Griff has to ski it down to the lake where Ike has set up camp. And Bob Rooney scuba dives it into the lake to see which fish are the hungriest, telling Officer Dan so he in turn can smoke signal the information back to me so I can ice fish with utmost confidence.
- Peggy: Of course. Have a nice time, Boys. Catch a big one, Al.
- Al: Oh I already have, Peg.
- [the porn channel is on the TV]
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Speaking of the Washington Monument... what is that?
- Jefferson: Uh... C-SPAN is broadcasting the senate page tryouts.
- Al: Here we are, boys. City of brotherly love.
- Jefferson: No, that's Philadelphia.
- Al: Well, what's Washington?
- Officer Dan: A team without a quarterback.
- [Everyone snickers except Al]
- Al: You guys are so cynical. Here we are in the capital of the greatest nation on the free earth, and you can't even appreciate...
- [looks out the window]
- Al: Everybody down!
- [Everyone hits the floor as a burst of gunfire is heard, and one of the windows shatters]
- Griff: Nice room you got us! Was the John Hinckley Arms booked?
- Peggy: I still say that you guys will never get into the Senate to make your case.
- Al: We will so! Jefferson said he knows people in high places.
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Jefferson knows jack!
- [to Jefferson]
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: When are you going to stop telling the buffoons these fanciful James Bond-ian tales of derring-do? You know, if you were half has creative with your job resume...
- [two secret service agents enter]
- Chopper: Good evening, Bullwinkle.
- Jefferson: Hello, Chopper and Geronimo.
- Geronimo: Long time no see.
- Chopper: What's up?
- Jefferson: Iraq, Iran, I married!
- Geronimo: So, what time do you need the wake-up bird?
- Jefferson: 0600 will be fine.
- Chopper: Cool.
- Geronimo: Over.
- Jefferson: Out!
- [the agents exit]
- Kelly Bundy: [after Al threw out her latest boyfriend after pulling him off her] Thanks a lot, Dad.
- [nods]
- Kelly Bundy: Now I'll never know his name.
- Officer Dan: Jefferson said he could get us in, and you gotta trust a guy who is named after a president.
- Ike: [to Jefferson] I thought you were named after Sherman Hemsley.
- Kelly Bundy: [her brother has passed out on the lap of his girlfriend] Bud. Hey, Bud! Did you hear that? Dad wants us to do him a favor.
- [Bud just snores, and she impatiently kicks him]
- Bud Bundy: [dazedly parroting to his girlfriend] I'll call you. I mean it. I love you.
- Kelly Bundy: [to Al] What he means is, is that if we do you a favor, then we should get one in return. You know, squid pro quo.
- Al: Hey, guys... We got porn on the TV, the clothes on our backs, the beds to ourselves... Dare I say it? It doesn't get any better than this.
- [and then, Peg and Marcy appear in the doorway]