Married... with Children (TV Series)
It's a Bundyful Life Part 2 (1989)
Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy
Photos
Quotes
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Al : I wanna be back with my family.
Angel : Why?
Al : Look at them. They're happy. Not a care in the world. You think I'm gonna let that happen, after all the grief they've put me through? I want to live!
Angel : Bundy, are you serious? That means I'm going to be an angel! I'm gonna get my wings! I'm gonna be a real angel! But first, I'm gonna go take a look at my ex-wife.
Al : You really did love her, huh?
Angel : No. I just want to put a package of Ding-Dongs just out of reach of her pork-pie fingers. And then, as she oozes that thousand-pound bulk over to the table, lifts up three of her chins, so she's able to put one of them into her mouth, I'm gonna turn them into me. A 20-year-old rotting corpse!
[shouting very loud again]
Angel : HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, THELMA? DADDY'S HOME FOR CHRISTMAS! YOU PIG! YOU SLUT! TAKE A BITE OF THIS, SHAMU! AHHHRRRG!
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Angel : I know you think you got it tough: your wife doesn't respect you, your kids think you're a failure, a good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases... Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal.
[gets up]
Angel : My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids, I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much that I had vanity plates written up that said "hit me". But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? Because she TOLD ME! Oh yeah. When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, by bookie... But when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise.
[sits back down]
Angel : That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my life insurance policy, and then I hung myself. Showed her, huh?
[laughs insanely]
Al : And you're here to help me, huh?
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Angel : What's it gonna take to convince you that I'm your guardian angel?
Al : Fly around and play a harp.
Angel : I'm an angel, not Tommy Tune. How about this. Make a wish. Anything, off the top of your head.
Al : Make my Christmas lights work.
[the angel shaps his fingers and all of the Christmas porch lights come on]
Al : Wow, it's amazing. I believe you. You are an angel. Hey, I want another wish. Aren't you supposed to get three?
Angel : Hey, don't be a wish pig, Bundy. You want three wishes, get a gennie. Besides, anything that I can't get a receipt for comes out of my own pocket.
Al : Oh come on. Just one more wish. Turn the lights back off and give me the Hee Haw Girls!
Angel : I've been sitting around waiting for them to die myself!
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Peggy : I knew it would pay to breast feed you until you were 9. You need any money, dear?
Bud : Oh no. I could never take any money from you. You and father have given me the best gift of all: the gift of life.
Al : Would he feel it if I kicked him?
Angel : No, but for a little extra cash, I could give him your dog's face.
Al : Would you take an I.O.U?
Angel : Not from you.
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Peggy : So Al... I, uh, notice you're not burdened down with presents for your loving family. Are they, uh, in the car?
Al : Well, no.
Bud : Are they, uh, being delivered?
Al : No.
Kelly : Are they... invisible?
[Al, Peg and Bud stare oddly at Kelly]
Kelly : Well, you guys get to ask the good questions. If for once you'd let me go first, I would've asked if they were being delivered...
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Angel : I'm a guardian angel.
[takes out a note from his coat pocket]
Angel : As matter of fact, I'm looking for, uh...
[looks at his note]
Angel : an Al Bundy. Do you know an Al Bundy?
Al : I'm Al Bundy.
[the angel eyes Al for a moment, then looks up at the sky]
Angel : [hollering towards the sky] NOOOOOOOOOOO! OH, COULD YOU STOP PLAYING NINTENDO UP THERE FOR A MINUTE? WHAT KIND OF A MESS HAVE YOU GOTTEN ME INTO? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?
[the angel breaks into tears and buries his face in Al's chest]
Al : There, there, buddy. How 'bout I go get my gun and shoot you with a nice silver bullet? Would you like that, buddy?
Angel : You'll have to give me a minute with this one, Bundy. I thought I was here to save a "human" soul.
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Al : [after seeing Peggy's new husband, Norman] That pair of wings you want, you think you can make a pair out of that guy's kidneys?
Angel : Hey, don't worry about him, Bundy. I checked into his future. By the time he's 60, his stomach is so ulcer ridden that he's...
[looks in his notebook]
Angel : Oh, sorry. That's you.
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[the angel opens up a whisky flask to take a drink only to realize that it's empty]
Angel : [shouting skyward again] OH, THANKS A LOT! YOU CAN TURN WATER INTO WINE, BUT YOU CAN'T SEND ME DOWN HERE WITH ANY GOOD BOOZE! LOVE YA! ARGGGGH!
Al : Oh I see now, you're one of my wife's relatives. I never saw one standing upright before.
Angel : No, much like a neutered dog, you don't get it, Bundy. Read my lips, I'm YOUR guardian angel.
Al : [sarcastic] Hell, I got to apologize. I just though you were a nut. Well, I'll get my guitar, you go get Elvis, and the three of us will rock in the new year!
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Angel : You see Bundy, if I help you find a reason to live, I get my wings. That means a lot up there, especially with the chicks. If I get my wings, I get certain privileges... like for example, I get to pick up on the girls who died young.
Al : That's good for you, but what are you gonna do for me? Show me that my life can only get worse? What are you gonna do? Give me two more wives, three more kids, make me a White Sox fan?
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Neighbor : [taunting] Hey, Bundy. My family got me a new TV set for Christmas. What are you getting? Ha, ha, ha!
Al : Well, if I was one of the guys down at the post office, Doneley, I'd be unwrapping your wife!
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Marcy Rhoades : [drunk] Excuse me, Marcy, I'm Al. Do you know where I live?
Al : Why didn't you let me in the bank, Marcy?
Marcy Rhoades : Oh... I was going to. But I got so sleepy. I guess I just had a few too many drinks and I fell asleep. Oh, but you got to see this. Some bimbo at the bank got so smashed that she xeroxed her behind! Just look at that scrawy thing! Everyone got one. Imagine the humiliation when she shows up for work Monday morning!
Al : Yeah, it's a Christmas to remember. Now, let's get you home. Let's hail you a cab. Tell the driver to take you to Dock 43 on the wharfs, walk up to the first toothless sailor you see, show him this picture... and you're home.
Marcy Rhoades : Thank you, Al. Don't tell anyone, but I'm going to throw up in your next door neighbor's mailbox!
