- Bud Bundy: Next we'll get started on stats.
- Kelly Bundy: Oh, can I do the stats? Please?
- Bud Bundy: Sure.
- Kelly Bundy: Okay. Now we have Alaska, Alabama, Brazil... oh and the two George's, north and south.
- Al Bundy: This should be fun. You know, it's always been an amateur's dream to see how far he'd go with a pro.
- Sugar Ray Leonard: That was fun! You know, it's every professional's dream to see how bad he can hurt a non-pro.
- Bud Bundy: Okay Mom, now who's the guy who hikes the ball to the quarterback?
- Peggy Bundy: The center.
- Bud Bundy: Very good. Now, who's the guy who rushes the passer?
- Peggy Bundy: The defensive end.
- Bud Bundy: Excellent. Now, who's the little foreign guy who can barely speak English, never gets hit, and is taking yet another job away from an American?
- Peggy Bundy: The place kicker.
- Peggy Bundy: Uh, Sugar Ray. I blinked and I missed the whole thing. Could you hit him again?
- Sugar Ray Leonard: Sure, yeah.
- Casting Executive: Miss La Groin, who's on our list for today?
- Receptionist: Well, there's Mr. Butkus, Mr. Carlton, Mr. Tarkenton, Mr. Namath, and of course, Mr. Bindy. He scored 4 touchdowns, not in one year, but in one game.
- Al Bundy: Who's the man who scored 4 touchdowns in a single game to clinch the city championship in 1966?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Shaft, John Shaft.
- Al Bundy: No. Who's the man who rushed for 200 yards against Garfield High?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Shaft. He's a bad mother...
- Al Bundy: Shut your mouth!
- Peggy Bundy: Now, give me a kiss and make me some coffee.
- Al Bundy: I will not. I'm going to audition for this commercial and get it, by God. Then we'll see, when I go down for this interview, who in Chicago doesn't know the name Bundy.
- [later, Al is talking to the receptionist at the audition]
- Miss LeGroin: Who?
- Al Bundy: Bundy! B-U-N-D-Y! Al Bundy! Made all-city back in '66. Four touchdowns. And I'm not talking the whole year. One game.
- Miss LeGroin: [with sarcasm] Well, have a seat and allow me time to cool off.
- [Peggy, Bud, and Kelly hear Al's car approaching]
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, there's your daddy's car. Now, he's gonna come in here and tell us he's failed. So let's practice what we're gonna say to him.
- [Peggy, Bud, and Kelly all point and laugh]
- Peggy Bundy: The classics never die.
- [Al enters the house and Peggy, Bud, and Kelly all point and laugh at him]
- Al Bundy: Laugh at this, hyenas: I got it. I got the commercial!
- [chuckles]
- Al Bundy: I am the Zeus man.