- Charlie Verducci: [singing along with the theme to the "Patty Duke Show" on TV] Well, they're cousins. Identical cousins. All their lives. They walk alike, they talk alike... And why not? They're both Patty Duke.
- Al Bundy: Thank you. Not even this, huh? What is it? Is Oprah right? Are you a big, fat woman? All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45. The record or the gun. I'll even settle for the damn malt liquor! Just this once, can you show that you can love even Al Bundy?
- [the jukebox suddenly plays Al's song]
- Al Bundy: That's it! That's my song! Thank you, thank you. Uh, I'll be back for only one more request. It involves a thunderbolt and, uh...
- [secretly points to Peggy]
- Peggy Bundy: Al, must we be the spit bucket in the early round knockout that is your life? As usual, you need professional help. So why don't you just call the oldies station, K-Fossil, and ask the DJ?
- Al Bundy: I already called. I got Rick Cool himself.
- Bud Bundy: Gee, Rick Cool, huh? Did Bobby 23 Skiddoo quit?
- Peggy Bundy: [about Rick Cool] Al, the suspense is boring us. Tell us what he said.
- Al Bundy: He said "The colors. The colors. Has anybody seen my good friend John?" Then he lit up a banana and then he hung up.
- Kelly Bundy: [after the doorbell rings] If that's my date, tell him I am not home.
- Bud Bundy: Why don't you tell him?
- Kelly Bundy: Good idea.
- [opens the door and sees her date, Vinnie]
- Kelly Bundy: I am not home.
- Vinnie Verducci: Then is it okay if I wait?
- Bud Bundy: [to Peggy] Mom, if my mixed-up at the hospital theory is correct, I'd say we just found Kelly's natural brother.
- Peggy Bundy: Hi, I'm Peggy, and I know what you're thinking. How can a woman barely out of high school herself possibly be the mother to a teenage daughter? Heh heh.
- Vinnie Verducci: Actually, I was wondering if we had trolls under my building. I mean, sometimes I hear noises. My dad says it's the pipes, but now I wonder.
- Bud Bundy: [does a troll-like dance, annoyed] Look, I am not a troll, I'm a boy, you idiot!
- Al Bundy: I must have that song. Maybe it's on the B-side of a record I already have. Peg, where's my record collection that I spent my entire youth building?
- Peggy Bundy: Well, they were cluttering up your closet, so I moved them downstairs next to the furnace.
- Al Bundy: Good thinking, 'cause nothing brings out the luster of original records better than intense searing heat.
- Peggy Bundy: I know what would take your mind off that record for a minute. You could make love to me four times.
- Al Bundy: Peg, when I said I was after an oldie, I meant a goodie.
- Marcy D'Arcy: You know, when he hums, the hair in his ears moves in and out like a child's party favor.
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, yeah, and the... and the nose hairs, they sort of spread like a geisha girl fan.
- Al Bundy: [chuckles] That's right. Keep dancing on the minefield.
- Al Bundy: Now, concentrate. Hmm-hmm-him.
- Marcy D'Arcy: "Itsy Bitsy Spider"?
- Al Bundy: No.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: "Go Tell Pharaoh."
- Al Bundy: No! Come on. This is a song from my youth.
- Peggy Bundy: "Look, It's a Wheel"?
- Al Bundy: [annoyed] Peg, honey, before we're all knee-deep in your blood, um, why don't you go over by the radio and listen to see if they play my song?
- Peggy Bundy: You are just determined to win that Nobel Putz Prize this year, aren't you, honey?
- Al Bundy: [to the store clerk] That's my song! That's my song! That's "Anna"! "Anna" on the jukebox! I want it! How much is it?
- Dave: Well, since you're a good customer and obviously a ranting, raving loon, you can have it for $60.
- Peggy Bundy: $60? For a record? Hey, look, you must look at my husband and mistake crazy for stupid. He is not paying you $60 for a record. And if he does, I will kiss your...
- [Al later comes home with his record and Peggy comes in, spitting and wiping her lips]
- Al Bundy: Peg, this is the best $60 I ever spent. Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my life.