- Al Bundy: Where the music stinks and they water the drinks. The nudie bar. Where the girlies dance in their underpants. The nudie bar. Where you see their butt and their trap stays shut. The nudie bar.
- [Roxanne looks at the knife-weilding Sticky the Clown]
- Roxanne: Gee, Kelly, your father is something dressing up like this.
- Kelly Bundy: That's not my father. My father is a shoe sales... uh... you're right. That's my father.
- Peggy Bundy: Kelly, don't lie.
- [to Roxanne]
- Peggy Bundy: That's not my husband, Roxanne. My husband's dead.
- Al: Remember: A man is a man for all of his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes his wife.
- Al: Where you can look at a thigh and blacken an eye, at the Nudie Bar. Where the beer gives you gas but the Bundys kick ass... at the Nudie Bar.
- Kelly Bundy: I made a message for your answering machine: "Hello, this is Bud Bundy, also known as Grandmaster Virgin. You must have dialed the wrong number because no one ever calls me on purpose. But, if you leave your name and number, I'll call you back as soon as I finish putting the negligee on my dog. Please hold... Please!" I know it's a little long, but then again we don't need much room for messages, do we?
- Peggy Bundy: What happened to that nice 9-7-6 girl he had a crush on?
- Kelly Bundy: She won't take his calls any more.
- Peggy Bundy: Kelly, is this a friend of Bud's?
- Kelly Bundy: No, actually I can't find one of those. But this is Roxanne, the girl Bud loves but who can't stand him. I thought I'd do something nice for him, so I convinced her to come.
- Roxanne: He's really dying?
- Kelly Bundy: You've seen him.
- Marcy: [to Bud] You're lucky to be 18 at this time in history. Back when I turned 18 there was free love, free sex, free Huey. But you're much luckier than we were because now with all the numerous and disfiguring diseases out there, young men and women have a chance to get to know one another, to actually be friends.
- Al Bundy: Well I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today. The Department of Juvenile Corrections bused some delinquents over to the shoe store today to show them why it's so important to stay in school. The guards made them watch me work for over 3 hours until even the most hardened punk was crying like a baby. It's a new program called "Scared Rich". If only they had a "Scared Single" when I was a punk.
- Al: You know? It does get kind of boring around her.
- Bud: Then why do you come?
- Al: [after another strip club patrion elbows Al in the back in the head] For this... Excuse me sir? You bumped into me and I think you owe me an appology.
- Strip Club Patron: Drop dead.
- [Al punches the other bar patron out and the entire strip club errupts into a bar fight]
- Kelly Bundy: [holding the phone] Bud, it's for you. It's a girl. She wants to take you to a movie.
- Bud Bundy: Well, how about that, folks. Looks like you can keep your clowns and your parties and your lame memories of the sixties, or the twenties, or whenever the hell you thought you thought you were cool. You want a memory...
- [picks up his Grandmaster B cap]
- Bud Bundy: Watch the Grandmaster operate.
- [slips his cap on backwards and picks up the phone]
- Bud Bundy: Hey, Babe, how they hangin'?
- [his cocky manner instantly ceases when he realizes who the "girl" is on the other line]
- Bud Bundy: Hi, Grandma.
- Al Bundy: 18 years old and you're first bar fight like every other bundy before you I'm proud of you son.