- Ted Baxter: [Opening the door to Lou's office] Come on in, Lou. Great news!
- Lou Grant: [Walking out of his office] What is it now, Ted?
- Ted Baxter: Oh, Lou. How come every time I come to you to say something, you say, "What is it now, Ted?" like I'm going to say something dumb?
- Lou Grant: How come every time I see a duck, I expect it to quack?
- Ted Baxter: No, no, no. You answer my question first!
- Georgette Franklin: Isn't it wonderful, Mary? Only in America could a man who never graduated from school own one!
- Ted Baxter: I think I see a hand out there...
- The Student: What's the passing grade?
- Lou Grant: [arms tensely crossed, scowling, does a slow, silent burn] We'll probably go by a class average
- The Student: Is that plotted on a normal bell curve?
- Lou Grant: Plotted on anything you like.
- The Student: Is ths the entire faculty?
- Mary Richards: No, we're just the... department heads
- [exasperated, turns to sit and says at Mr. Grant]
- Mary Richards: Who IS ths person? What are we DOING here?
- Ted Baxter: I'm going to be rich, Mary! I'm going to have all the things that money can buy. Happiness. Good health. Spiritual fulfillment. Then - then one day, I'm going to use my money to do something good for my country. I'm going to make a huge contribution to a presidential candidate and buy myself a political appointment. Ted Baxter: United States Ambassador to Hawaii.
- Mary Richards: Suppose tomorrow's headlines were to read, "WJM Anchorman Jailed in Broadcast Swindle". What would you feelings be then?
- Lou Grant: Mixed.