Monty Python's Flying Circus (TV Series)

How to Recognise Different Types of Trees from Quite a Long Way Away (1969)

Eric Idle: Harold Larch, Storyteller, Manager, Eric, Norman Nudge

Photos 

Quotes 

• Judge : Mr Larch, you heard the case for the prosecution. Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?

  Harold Larch : Well... I'd just like to say, m'lud, I've got a family... a wife and six kids... and I hope very much you don't have to take away my freedom... because... well, because m'lud freedom is a state much prized within the realm of civilized society.

  [Becomes passinate, as if he were reciting Shakespeare] 

  Harold Larch : It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm the outward hatchments of his soul, and soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet. It is most precious as a blessed balm, the saviour of princes, the harbinger of happiness, yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear. What frees the prisoner in his lonely cell, chained within the of rude walls, far from the owl of Thebes? What fires and stirs the woodcock in his springe or wakes the drowsy apricot betides? What doth the storm toss'd mariner offer her most tempestuous prayers to? Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

  Judge : It's only a bloody parking offence.

• Mr. Nudge : [Leers, Grinning]  Your wife interested in err...

  [Waggles Head, Leans across] 

  Mr. Nudge : photographs, eh? Know what I mean? Photographs, 'he asked him knowingly'.

  Man at Pub : Photography?

  Mr. Nudge : Yes. Nudge, nudge. Snap, snap. Grin, grin. Wink, wink, say no more?

  Man at Pub : Holiday snaps?

  Mr. Nudge : Could be, could be taken on holiday. Could be yes - swimming costumes. Know what I mean. Candid photography. Know what I mean, nudge nudge.

  Man at Pub : No, no we don't have a camera

  Mr. Nudge : Oh. Still

  [slaps hand lightly twice] 

  Mr. Nudge : Whoa! Eh? Wo-oah! Eh?

  Man at Pub : Look, are you insinuating something?

  Mr. Nudge : Oh... no... no... Yes.

  Man at Pub : Well?

  Mr. Nudge : Well, I mean like you've er... you've done it... I mean like, you know you've... er... you've slept... with a lady.

  Man at Pub : Yes.

  Mr. Nudge : [quickly replying]  What's it like?

• Storyteller : Hello, children. Hello. Here is this morning's story. Are you ready? Then we'll begin.

  [He opens the book and begins reading] 

  Storyteller : "One day, Ricky the magic pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumble-down cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly, he grabbed her heavy shoulders, pulling her down onto the bed and ripping off her..."

  [He is understandably shocked. He flips past two pages of the book, then resumes reading] 

  Storyteller : "Old Nick the sea captain was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea, and he loved to hang out down by the pier, where the men dressed as ladies..."

  [He is again shocked. He flips past two more pages, slower than before. He is nudged by a stick from offstage, and resumes reading] 

  Storyteller : "Rumpletweezer ran the dinky-tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and..."

  [Shocked, he begins flipping through the book without bothering to read it] 

  Storyteller : Discipline... naked... with a melon?

• Storytime presenter : Hello children, hello. Here is this morning's story. Are you ready? Then we'll being.

  [opens book] 

  Storytime presenter : One day, Ricky the Magic Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbled down cottage. He foud her in the bedroom. Roughly he grabbed her heaving shoulders pulling her down onto the bed and ripping off her...

  [shocked, skips ahead a few pages] 

  Storytime presenter : Old Nick, the sea captain, was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea, and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the men dressed as ladies...

  [reads silently to himself until he's poked by the stick] 

  Storytime presenter : OH! Uh... Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky Shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. There he sold contraceptives... contraceptives?

  [skips ahead] 

  Storytime presenter : Discipline?

  [and again] 

  Storytime presenter : Naked... with a melon?