My Family (TV Series)
A Handful of Dust (2002)
Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper
Quotes
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Susan : So, Kate, any plans while you're down here? Shopping, maybe?
Kate : Actually I've come down for the opening of the Lesbian and Gay Film Festival. Then I'm off to a seminar on lesbians in the third world, and then I thought I'd pop into the Lesbian Bookshop for a browse.
Susan : So I take it you're a...
Kate : Lesbian. Yes.
Susan : Looking forward to a packed and... exciting weekend.
Ben : Doing lesbian things.
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Ben : So, er... I'm ready.
Susan : Corn flakes in the cupboard.
Ben : You little pixie! Stop it! I meant my presents!
Susan : I didn't get you any presents.
Ben : Oh... OK...
Susan : You said you didn't want any fuss. I took you at your word.
Ben : Er, yeah. I said I didn't want any fuss. I didn't say I didn't want anything!
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Susan : Well, I've got a surprise for you.
Ben : I don't like surprises.
Susan : You'll like this one.
Ben : What is it?
Susan : If I tell you, it won't be a surprise any more.
Ben : Give me a hint.
Susan : Janey's coming for the weekend.
Ben : Give me a different hint.
Susan : Erm... she's asked if she could bring a friend along.
Ben : And you said no?
Susan : Yes.
Ben : Good.
Susan : No, I said yes.
Ben : What did you say that for?
Susan : Don't be naive. She wouldn't have come if she couldn't bring her boyfriend.
Ben : And your point is?
Susan : You'll have your whole family round your for your birthday.
Ben : Oh, how lovely. Plus some hairy arsed, smelly student layabout!
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Susan : How lovely that you came all this way for your dad's birthday!
Janey Harper : What? It's what any daughter would have done - after three hours of phone calls, 15 emails and a mobile jammed with text messages!
Susan : It's what any mother would have done!
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Susan : It's good Kate's a lesbian.
Ben : Yeah. Yeah, it's great.
Susan : There are many notable lesbians in history. Catherine the Great.
Ben : Oh, name says it all!
Susan : KD Lang.
Ben : Wonderful voice! Sharon Simpson.
Susan : Who's she?
Ben : One of my patients. Lovely teeth. And she pays on time - which, you know, I think is... is great.
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Susan : Well?
Ben : It wasn't there.
Susan : What wasn't there?
Ben : Your toothbrush.
Susan : Forget the toothbrush. What were they doing?
Ben : Kate was reading a book and Janey was cleaning her teeth with her toothbrush.
Susan : What else were they doing?
Ben : Giggling.
Susan : What sort of giggling?
Ben : Susan, I don't kn... There is no Beaufort Scale of giggling ranging from 0 - Heterosexual Smirk to 12 - Gale-force Bald Dyke Guffaw!
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Ben : Susan, I've told you, the toothbrush isn't there.
Susan : I don't care about the toothbrush - it's here.
Ben : You sent me up there on a fool's errand!
Susan : You seemed like the right man for the job!
Ben : Very good. Susan, while you spend all that time trying to trick me into spying on them, I go into a bedroom where two girls are sharing a bed. And guess what? They're sharing a bed. In fact, it was you who suggested they share a bed, as I recall. So, the only thing I've learned from this pointless exercise is where your bloody toothbrush is!
Susan : Which is why I sent you there in the first place!
Ben : Well, I'm not going again! OK? You're not tricking me into going there again! And now I've got a headache! Oh, god, where's the aspirin?
Susan : I think there's some in the side table in our bedroom.
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Janey Harper : Oh, by the way, mum, is it alright if we borrowed the car today?
Susan : Of course it is, dear. It's fine by us.
Janey Harper : Great!
Susan : It's your life. Whatever you do, you're still our daughter and we'll always love you. Anything else you'd like?
Janey Harper : Yeah - £2,000.
Ben : What?
Susan : Of course, dear. We could even make it £3,000.
Ben : Yeah, or we could throw in the house and the furniture as well!
Janey Harper : No, no, no, no, no! That's far too much! I'll just settle for backpacking in the Far East for a year. You know, to find myself.
Ben : Well, that's alright. I'll give you a clue - you're here in my kitchen. There. Saved you a year off!
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Janey Harper : Mum, dad, there's something I need to tell you.
Susan : [while holding Ben's hand] Yes?
Janey Harper : I don't know how to say this. But I mean... the thing is... I'm shallow.
Ben : [Nods in agreement] Shallow?
Susan : Are you sure, dear?
Janey Harper : Yes! Yes, I've been trying to hide it; bury it deep in my inner self. But it turns out I haven't got one!
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Janey Harper : I'm never confused, mum! I'm too shallow!
Susan : She's not shallow, is she, Ben?
Ben : Hmm? Well, I... I suppose we've always secretly known it, y'know?
Susan : No, we haven't.
Ben : All those tell-tale signs: the magazines under the bed. Tatler, Vogue, Hello! magazine.
Susan : That's not all she reads.
Janey Harper : Actually, it is!
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Susan : Janey, I've always taught you it doesn't matter what other people think about you.
Janey Harper : You haven't got a clue, mum! What other people think about you is the whole point of being shallow!