My Family (TV Series)
Ben Wants to Be a Millionaire (2001)
Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper
Photos
Quotes
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[first lines]
Ben : OK, just relax and sit back, and let's take a little look, shall we? Now, open wide.
Mr. Henshaw : Huh huh hmmph.
[clenching jaw]
Ben : Mr Henshaw, I... I can't check your teeth until I can see them.
Mr. Henshaw : Well, I'm scared. I don't like pain.
Ben : Mr Henshaw, I've been a dentist for over twenty years and the only person who has suffered as a result is me.
Mr. Henshaw : That another joke?
Ben : Sadly, no.
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Ben : Ah! Miss... er, could you...
Dental Assistant : I've already done it.
Ben : Done what? I haven't asked yet.
Dental Assistant : Well, you're about to do a root canal, so you obviously need extra lignocaine for the pain.
Mr. Henshaw : What?
Ben : Alright, Mr Henshaw. Next patient.
Dental Assistant : No, there is no next patient.
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Andy Banks : I bet you thought you'd never see me again!
Ben : More of a wish than a thought.
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Andy Banks : Well, we can catch up at dinner tonight?
Ben : I thought we had just caught up.
Andy Banks : So is tonight not good?
Ben : No, sorry. Er... I have a dental conference.
Dental Assistant : No, that's next month.
Ben : No, the other thing.
Dental Assistant : That was cancelled.
Ben : The more important thing.
Dental Assistant : You weren't invited.
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Ben : You'll never guess what happened to me today.
Susan Harper : Your old friend Andy called round, his wife's going in for surgery and we're having dinner with them tonight at La Garage.
Ben : Ah. I see my new über-assistant has been phoning in. God! She's so efficient, she's killing me!
Susan Harper : Well, I think she's quite marvellous.
Ben : I think she's quite fired.
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Ben : Susan, I... I'd rather eat borscht than go out with Andy Banks.
Susan Harper : I thought he was your friend. He's on our Christmas card list.
Ben : So's the paper boy, but I've never eaten with him.
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Susan Harper : It's not often I get to meet one of your friends.
Janey Harper : That's because he hasn't got any.
Ben : I have lots of friends, actually. Just none I like.
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Janey Harper : So, this, er, so-called friend. How did you meet - the No-Friends Club?
Ben : The No-Friends Club? Ooh! No, at school, actually. I stopped a group of kids from beating him up.
Susan Harper : My hero.
Ben : Actually, I rushed in to beat him myself, but I missed. Hit someone else by mistake, the gang dispersed, he thanked me so much I just went along with it, really.
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Susan Harper : Well, we're not backing out of this. His wife's ill and he needs your support.
Ben : Susan, I don't see why I have to be miserable too.
Susan Harper : Because being miserable together is what friendship is all about.
Ben : Funny - I thought that's what marriage was.
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Susan Harper : I think learning a new language helps to improve oneself.
Ambyr Banks : Oh, I'm a big believer in self-improvement. Take my breasts, for instance.
Ben : Where? W-what?
Ambyr Banks : Implants. I got them last year.
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Ambyr Banks : Andy has the penis of a 20-year-old!
Ben : Doesn't he want it back?
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Andy Banks : [about Ambyr's breast implants] I mean, take those babies - 100% grade-A silicone! What do you think?
Ben : I think they're... for... do they come separately or as a set?
Ambyr Banks : A set. They were an anniversary present!
Susan Harper : How romantic. All I got was a sandwich maker.
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Susan Harper : Oh, just admit it! You'd rather be married to a 23-year-old with the perfect body!
Ben : Oh, don't be ridiculous! I don't want a perfect body, I want you.
Susan Harper : [Gives Ben a stern look]
Ben : That sounded much better in my head before it came out of my mouth!
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Susan Harper : What a miserable pair.
Ben : Oh, come on! Your breasts are fine!
Susan Harper : I was talking about Andy and Ambyr. But thanks for your vote of ambivalence!
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Ben : [about Andy] You know, at school, he was the pathetic loser. There was me: good looking; bright.
Susan Harper : Well, you've both changed.
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Ben : Well, what about me? I've worked hard, played by the rules and what have I got?
Susan Harper : A nice home, three lively children...
Ben : Oh, go on! Rub it in!
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Susan Harper : You may be interested to know that Nick has decided to sell his body parts.
Ben : Good! We'll get him out of the house bit by bit!
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Susan Harper : Do you think Andy's happy?
Ben : If he were any happier, he'd be in an asylum.
Susan Harper : So why does he keep sending Ambyr in for repairs? By the time she's my age, she'll have so many facelifts she'll have a beard!
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Susan Harper : [after spotting Ben checking out Ambyr] See anything you like... on the menu?
Ben : Er... I was just admiring... looking at the, erm... oak-roasted sea bass.
Susan Harper : Yes, I know which dish you were checking out!
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Andy Banks : You know, I always wanted to be a dentist. I ended up a multimillionaire!
Ben : Tough break.
Andy Banks : No, I mean, you're out there doing something! Me, I just sit around the pool all day watching my money make money!
Susan Harper : Ooh, look, Ben - hard cheese!
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Ben : Oh, come on! I can't believe you're angry!
Susan Harper : What makes you think I'm angry?
Janey Harper : Oh. Children are home early.
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Ben : When you're at the top of your profession - as I am - I mean, my patients tend to treat me as a god. So I have in my hands the power of life and death.
Susan Harper : Over their teeth!
Ambyr Banks : I imagine you have some wonderful stories.
Susan Harper : Yes, his spit cup runneth over!
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Susan Harper : I can't believe you touched her breasts!
Ben : You told me to!
Susan Harper : God, you are dense!
Ben : Or is it that I can't read your mind?
Susan Harper : Same thing!
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Ben : Bloody Andy Banks! God! Why did he end up with the Ferrari and the millions?
Susan Harper : And the swimsuit model?
[Ben nods with a smirk]
Susan Harper : I heard that nod!
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[Susan turns on her Russian language tape while going to sleep]
Ben : What are you doing?
Susan Harper : They say you can learn while you sleep.
Ben : I can't. I'd like to sleep when I sleep.
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Ben : [Dialling a number on the phone] I'm just trying to prevent my life from going down the toilet.
Nick Harper : That's going to be a long call!
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Susan Harper : I wonder if we should do something about Nick.
Ben : I am. I'm ignoring him.
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Susan Harper : Where are you going to get £2,000 from?
Ben : I was thinking Nick's college fund.
Nick Harper : I've got a college fund?
Susan Harper : Ben, you can't touch the college fund! That's for the world cruise!
Nick Harper : What about me?
Susan Harper : [pause] You get seasick.
Nick Harper : I was counting on that money!
Ben : You didn't know about it!
Nick Harper : No, but I always knew something would turn up!
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Janey Harper : Who's Andy?
Ben : Andy's my best friend.
Janey Harper : Oh. Your imaginary friend? How is he? Same as ever?
Ben : Oh, yes! But now, he's got millions of pounds!
Susan Harper : And the penis of a 20-year-old!
Nick Harper : Cool! How much did he pay for it?
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Dental Assistant : Your wife's on the phone.
Ben : Tell her I'm with a patient.
Dental Assistant : But you're not.
Ben : [Realises his patient ran away] What? What happened to Mr Henshaw?
Dental Assistant : Curled up in the foetal position under the reception desk.
Ben : Well, tell him he still has to pay for the appointment. And if that doesn't work, there's a broom in the cupboard - couple of pokes, that'll do the trick!
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Ben : Yes, dear?
Susan Harper : Ben, how much did you invest?
Ben : Er, £3,000?
Susan Harper : You idiot!
Ben : I know! I know it's a lot!
Susan Harper : Why didn't you invest more?
Ben : You told me to play it safe!
Susan Harper : I also tell you to put the loo seat down - you never listen to that!
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Susan Harper : Hello, my dear sweet adorable husband! How was your day?
Ben : Terrific! Turns out Dynoblast is peaking at a multiple of 24 and its EPS has tripled over the last four quarters!
Susan Harper : It beat Q2 estimates by 4p!
Ben : And its debt-to-equity ratio is... 1.9!
Susan Harper : Really?
Ben : Yep!
Susan Harper : What does that mean?
Ben : No idea!
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Ben : [Finding it hard to sleep as Susan is on the laptop] Susan, the rather remarkable thing about the laptop is that it's portable, which means you can take it anywhere like downstairs or Berwick-upon-Tweed!
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Susan Harper : I'm in this financial chatroom, and everybody's saying that Dynoblast is under investigation and it's time to get out.
Ben : What? Let me have a look.
[Susan shows Ben the laptop]
Ben : You're taking advice from someone called Yoda?
Susan Harper : It's not just Yoda! Everyone in the chatroom is saying to get out: Binky13, Club Foot, Stock Slut and Professor FrankenBanker!
Ben : Professor FrankenBanker? Can't you hear yourself? You are trusting a bunch of total strangers over me!
Susan Harper : Your point being?
Ben : Stay with me, Susan. OK? I'm going with my gut!
Susan Harper : You're going with your gut and I'm going with cold hard firm rumour! Let's get out when we're ahead!
Ben : Look, I've never been ahead and I like it!
Susan Harper : I'm telling you, Ben, if we don't get out now, we'll be left with nothing - except regret!
Ben : Well, won't that be the big regret cherry on the big regret icing on the big regret cake? Goodnight... Yoda!
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Ben : [On the phone] I'm embarrassed to call because I know you're busy. But the stock has gone down 22% in the last half hour and, erm... I just need an expert opinion.
Michael Harper : Dad, I'm in the middle of a maths test! You told them it was an emergency!
Ben : It is - your mother wanted to sell it, but I didn't!
Michael Harper : Why not?
Ben : It was up! I couldn't sell when it was up! My gut wouldn't let me! Michael, what am I going to do?
Michael Harper : Well, you could get out now and cut your losses. Chances are it's just a blip.
Ben : Don't get technical with me, Michael! Do I sell it or keep it?
Michael Harper : Well, dad, I've known you all my life. And I can honestly say, whatever your gut tells you to do, do the opposite!
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Michael Harper : [On the phone] Hello, dad? What is it this time?
Ben : The stock - still sinking! It's less than I paid for it!
Michael Harper : Relax. It's just a correction.
Ben : Oh, I see! First, it was a blip; now it's a correction! When is it going to be a bloody catastrophe?
Michael Harper : Don't worry, dad. Things go down; they come right back up.
Ben : Not at my age!
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Ben : Flowers?
Susan Harper : How much did you lose?
Ben : Why do you always assume the worst? Hmm? Can't I bring you flowers?
Susan Harper : At least you didn't get me chocolates, then I'd know we'd lost everything.
[Ben hides a box of chocolates behind his back]
Ben : I haven't lost everything!
Susan Harper : How much are we talking about?
Ben : Oh... £200.
Susan Harper : Oh, thank God! We can go on that cruise!
Ben : No, that's all we've got left - £200.
Susan Harper : You may as well give me the chocolates.
Ben : Yep! Yep, yep, yep! Is that it, then? No 'I told you so'? No 'I was right and you were wrong'?
Susan Harper : Ben, money isn't everything. We love each other. We have our children and that's what counts.
Ben : Yep. And we've still got the other college funds.
Susan Harper : Ah, well... I was in the chatroom and Yoda gave me this great tip!
[Ben looks angry]
Susan Harper : Chocolates?
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[Last lines - Michael and Ben are waiting to use the bathroom]
Michael Harper : [Reading newspaper] 'Dynoblast skyrockets'.
Ben : What?
Michael Harper : Isn't that always the way? And just when you sold all your shares!
Ben : Yeah. Isn't life funny?
[Snatches paper from Michael and rips it up]
Michael Harper : Good to see you're keeping your sense of humour about it.
Ben : [Knocking on the door] Nick! Come on, Nick! You're not the only person in this house!
Nick Harper : Leave me alone! I'm working!