My Family (TV Series)

Death and Ben Take a Holiday (2001)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : [after Susan spits out her thermometer]  It's alright. I'm just taking your temperature.

  Susan Harper : Well, next time you stick something in my mouth, I want dinner and a film first.

• Susan Harper : Come on, Ben. How would you feel if no one turned up to your funeral?

  Ben Harper : When I die, Susan, I'm not going to have a funeral. Just get a black bin liner and leave me on the kerb.

  Susan Harper : Don't be ridiculous. There are laws against fly tipping, you know?

• Ben Harper : Can I just have no bad news for 20 minutes please...

  Janey Harper : [Smiles at Ben while handing him a bottle of whisky] 

  Ben Harper : ...and no requests for money...

  Nick : [Smiling at Ben] 

  Ben Harper : ...and no! Nothing else either!

• Ben Harper : How are you feeling?

  Susan Harper : [In bed with a cold]  I've got the chills and it's getting worse.

  Ben Harper : How much worse? Should I think about dating again?

• Susan Harper : God, I hate the flu!

  Ben Harper : Yeah, I hate it more. You get to lie around, I have to deal with the kids, play nursemaid, there's nothing in the fridge and...

  Susan Harper : [Gives Ben a stern look] 

  Ben Harper : ...of course, I feel your pain.

  Susan Harper : Come closer. I'm too weak to reach out and smack you!

• Ben Harper : Susan, er... I'm sorry, but I've got some bad news. I'm afraid Aunt Margaret has passed away.

  Susan Harper : Oh no! Not Aunt Margaret!

  Ben Harper : Yeah.

  Susan Harper : Are you OK?

  Ben Harper : No, no... Not my aunt Margaret. Your aunt Margaret.

  Susan Harper : My aunt Margaret died four years ago.

  Ben Harper : Those bloody kids can't take a message!

• Ben Harper : I didn't even like my aunt Margaret! She was a kleptomaniac, you know that? When I was a kid, she used to come to the house and take things. You know, knick-knacks, jewellery...

  Susan Harper : She probably admired your taste.

  Ben Harper : ...the cat, yeah? The cat. She took my rollerskates once.

  Susan Harper : Did you catch her at it?

  Ben Harper : No. Too fast - we lived on a hill.

• Ben Harper : So, Mikey! Michael, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! My son! My boy! Eh?

  Michael Harper : Don't make me do anything we'll regret!

  Ben Harper : Come on, Mike! Hey, it's just a bit of father and son time together up in Leeds, you know? Just the two of us, have a bit of fun, take in the sights...

  Michael Harper : Go to a funeral?

  Ben Harper : If you like.

  Michael Harper : Sorry, dad. It's just too traumatic.

  Ben Harper : Oh, come on, Mike! It's only a funeral.

  Michael Harper : I meant the father-son time.

• Ben Harper : So, Janey? What about a little shopping spree in Leeds, hmm? Just the two of us? Huh? There's a Harvey Nicks there!

  Janey Harper : Uh-uh! I remember Aunt Margaret!

  Ben Harper : No, you don't! Last time she came here, you were a baby!

  Janey Harper : Grey hair in a bun, cold blue eyes and when I wouldn't let her take my dummy, she swung me around by my teeth until I let go!

  Ben Harper : Yep. That's right - you do remember.

  Janey Harper : Remember? I'll need therapy for years!

• Ben Harper : Much as this might come as a surprise to you, Nick, I don't want you to come.

  Nick : Oh, come on, dad! You obviously need company.

  Ben Harper : And just as obviously, I don't want it to be you!

  Janey Harper : Why do you want to go to a funeral, anyway?

  Nick : Well, it's not the funeral, it's dad. You know, we're both getting older? Eventually, I'll be moving out, he'll be dead...

  Ben Harper : Yeah, and I know which will come first!

• Desk Clerk : Are you sure you got the right hotel? I mean, we are part of a chain. Maybe your reservation was in a different city.

  Ben Harper : [Sarcastically]  Yes, of course! I booked the Paris branch for a funeral here in Leeds!

• Ben Harper : Look, if you don't give me my two rooms, I shall take my business elsewhere!

  Desk Clerk : Ah, well. That's sorted then. Bye-bye!

  Nick : Excuse me, mate. We'll take the one small room. OK?

  Ben Harper : No! No!

  Desk Clerk : Do you want it?

  Ben Harper : [Thinks]  I hate you!

  Nick : That means yes!

  Desk Clerk : Good. Of course, you'll have to share a bed.

  Ben Harper : I'd rather eat glass! I'm going elsewhere! Thank you!

  Nick : Are you ashamed of our love?

  [to receptionist] 

  Nick : And he did promise me Paris!

• Nick : So when are you going to talk to me again? In an hour? In a day?

  Ben Harper : How about never? Hmm? Is never soon enough!

  Nick : [Teasing Ben]  You just talked!

• Sanjay : I hope you have a pleasant stay.

  Ben Harper : Hmm. Do you really care?

  Sanjay : No, sir.

  Ben Harper : No. That makes two of us!

• Ben Harper : [On the phone]  Hello, Janey? How's mum? How do you know she's sleeping if you haven't checked? Really? Right, oh... she's at death's door? Well, I'd like to say goodbye, then. So, switch off the telly, move your arse upstairs and go and get your mother! I love you too, dear!

• Ben Harper : [about his hotel room]  Oh, look! What a lovely colour scheme! Every possible shade of cack!

• Ben Harper : [On the phone]  Hello, Susan.

  Susan Harper : Hello, dear.

  Ben Harper : I wish you were here.

  Susan Harper : Oh, that's so sweet!

  Ben Harper : Having a horrible time. Horrible room - convicts have better views. And I don't really want to guess why this phone is stuck to my ear!

  Susan Harper : That's nothing! I'm drowning in my own mucus, I have a cold sore on my tongue and I've been throwing up all day!

  Ben Harper : Mmhmm? Think the romance is going out of our marriage?

  Susan Harper : Shut up! You went to the funeral intentionally to abandon me!

  Ben Harper : That's right. Well, it was pretty tricky trying to convince Aunt Margaret to snuff it before the onset of your cold...

  Susan Harper : I'm dying here!

  Ben Harper : Yeah, well, I'm in Hell, so see you soon!

• Nick : Hey. I was expecting someone else.

  Ben Harper : So was I, but your mother swears you're ours!

• Ben Harper : I don't believe this! This is a bloody nightmare!

  Nick : Oh, it's not that bad. We'll just share a bed.

  Ben Harper : That *is* the bloody nightmare, you pillock!

• Nick : I mean, I really care about what's-her-name... and now she cancels our date because she has to work!

  Ben Harper : What do you think, Nick? She's going to give up her job so she can sleep with you?

  Nick : Well, if you put it like that... YES!

• Sanjay : Room service!

  Ben Harper : [Putting on his trousers]  What? What the hell?

  Sanjay : You ordered champagne?

  Ben Harper : No, I didn't.

  Sanjay : And chips.

  Ben Harper : Oh, f... Nick!

  Sanjay : [Thinking Ben and Nick are a couple]  My, my! Been busy, I see!

  Ben Harper : No, no, no! This is not what it looks like, OK?

  Nick : [Walks into the room in his underwear] 

  Sanjay : Don't worry. We're very discreet around here!

  Ben Harper : For God's sake! Please! This is my son!

  Sanjay : I'm not here to judge!

  Ben Harper : No... Nick, did you order this?

  Nick : Well, you know... I thought it was going to be a special night!

  Sanjay : Want me to open this, then, or should I leave you two alone?

  Ben Harper : Look, take your chips and your champagne and yourself and, and... and get out, please! Thank you!

  Nick : Oh, don't worry about him. He's just in a hurry to get to bed!

  Sanjay : I understand.

  Ben Harper : No, you don't understand, OK? There is nothing to understand, alright?

  Sanjay : You could do better!

  Nick : Don't I know?

• Nick : Come on, dad! Relax, man! It's not like the first time we shared a bed! Remember that night in Cardiff?

  Ben Harper : God! You were six! Yeah, you threw up all over me!

  Nick : Good times!

• Ben Harper : [In the same bed as Nick]  You... you and Rita? Rita! What? I'm so sorry it didn't work out between you!

  Nick : Me too. Me too. Between you and me, I'm pretty horny!

• Priest : Coping with death - it's, er, never easy for some people.

  Ben Harper : Hmm. In my case, neither is coping with life!

• Susan Harper : My whole relationship with your aunt is based on a tissue of lies and deceit!

  Ben Harper : You didn't have a relationship with my aunt.

  Susan Harper : But I might have done if she hadn't been such a thief!

• Uncle Frank : So you're...

  Ben Harper : Ben.

  Uncle Frank : No, don't tell me.

  Ben Harper : I just did.

  Uncle Frank : No, no... You're Sophie's boy!

  Ben Harper : I'm Vivian's boy, actually.

  Uncle Frank : Don't you think I know my own sister's name? Hey Katie! You remember Sophie's boy?

  Aunt Kate : Oh yes! It's Ralphie, isn't it?

  Ben Harper : [pause]  It is. It is! Hello!

  Aunt Kate : Hello! Father Boyle, look who got out of jail!

• Ben Harper : What are you doing?

  Nick : Signing the guestbook.

  Ben Harper : David Beckham and Victoria Adams?

  Nick : Thought I'd give them a bit of a thrill when they go through it later!

• Ben Harper : My name is Harper, alright? Ben Harper! I swear!

  Aunt Kate : Don't take the Lord's name in vain!

  Ben Harper : I didn't take the Lord's name in vain!

  Aunt Kate : But you were thinking it!

  Ben Harper : Shut up! Nick, could you tell them what my name is, please?

  Nick : Talulah!

  Ben Harper : What kind of an answer is that?

  Nick : What kind of question is that?

  Ben Harper : My name is Harper, alright? I'm telling you - Ben Harper!

  Uncle Frank : So now you're lying to a priest! Ralph, you're going to Hell!

  Ben Harper : Too late! I'm already there!

• Susan Harper : You were right! You were right! Aunt Margaret was a kleptomaniac! You remember those Egon Marshak objet trouvé cufflinks I bought you all those years ago?

  Ben Harper : I try not to.

  Susan Harper : Uncle Bill was wearing them! He said Margaret gave them to him!

  Ben Harper : Maybe she did! You know, you're not the only person to have bought them!

  Susan Harper : One of them was missing the same zirconium stud that got lost when little Nicky swallowed it and we had to put him on the colander!

  Ben Harper : Oh, yeah... alright! I couldn't eat pasta for a year!

  Susan Harper : It was so sweet! It was like panning for gold!

• Ben Harper : What have you done?

  Susan Harper : I swear it was the medication!

  Ben Harper : [Gasps after Susan shows the bracelet she took from his Aunt Margaret's corpse]  Oh God!

  Susan Harper : I was paying my last respects and it just... leapt into my hand!

  Ben Harper : I don't care if it pole vaulted up your arse! Now put it back!

• [Last lines] 

  Ben Harper : So, what's for supper?

  Susan Harper : Pasta.

  Ben Harper : Ah, good. That sounds... safe.

  Susan Harper : Hand me the colander.

  Ben Harper : Mmhmm.

  [Both pause after they remember the incident with Nick defecating on the colander as a boy] 

  Ben Harper : Shall we order takeaway?