My Family (TV Series)

Ghosts (2002)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Ben : Susan, I told you, I don't like you going on the internet.

  Susan : Oh, because you're my moral guardian?

  Ben : No, because you drop bits of toast between the keys.

• Michael : You'll never guess what I've just seen on the internet.

  Ben : Let's see, adolescent boy, internet, big smile on face... I don't want to know.

  Michael : No, listen, I've just found out this is an unhappy house.

  Ben : Really, it took you fifteen years to find out?

  Michael : No, no, it's officially an unhappy house. I found this local history site when I was searching for my project, and it says this place is cursed. Everyone who's ever lived here has had terrible misfortune.

  Ben : Can't you ever just stumble upon a hardcore porn site like any normal teenager?

• [During an exorcism by Nick and Micheal at Abi's request, a sleeping Ben is sprayed with holy water ,in fact tap water, by Nick and is threatened by Micheal with a hammer and wooden stake] 

  Ben : This house has gone insane.

  Abi : That's what I've been trying to tell you.

  Ben : [to Abi]  You, you're unhinged.

  [to Micheal] 

  Ben : You, you're demented.

  [to Nick] 

  Ben : You, you're just you.

• Nick : [Impersonating Robert de Niro's mirror scene from 'Taxi Driver']  You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?

  Ben : No.

• Nick : Dad, I'm going to need some money to buy petrol.

  Ben : No, you don't. You haven't got a car to put petrol in.

  Nick : Yes, I have - yours. I'm using it as a minicab.

  Ben : Why don't you buy your own petrol?

  Nick : Why should I? It's your car.

  Ben : Susan, I'm sorry. I can't talk to him. Would you say something to him?

  Susan : OK. Nick, can you give me a lift to the office?

  Nick : Pleasure, mum. Would that be family rate or senior citizen?

• Susan : I had a bit of a surprise today.

  Ben : Really? Janey return a cheque saying 'we were too generous'?

• Susan : You know I put my name on OldPals.com?

  Ben : Susan, I told you I don't like you going on the internet.

  Susan : Oh, because you're my moral guardian?

  Ben : No, because you drop bits of toast between the keys.

• Ben : Well, who's Kirk Mason, then? Was he one of your one-night stands?

  Susan : I didn't have one-night stands!

  Ben : No. You'd never let a bloke get off that lightly!

• Susan : The years have not been kind to Kirk Mason.

  Ben : You know what they say, darling? Some men mature into fine wine, others turn into vinegar.

• Jocelyn, Dental Assistant : Your 9 o'clock's here, Mr Harper.

  Ben : Never mind that. I'm busy... being duped.

  Jocelyn, Dental Assistant : You're not busy!

  Ben : And I'm not listening, so there!

• Susan : I'm sorry, Ben, but I'm... I'm petty.

  Ben : I, er... I don't know what to say, Susan.

  Susan : Well, I'm not very proud of myself.

  Ben : I mean, why be petty with him? You've got me to be petty with!

  Susan : I know. And I'm very petty with you! And it's good! It's really good! But with Kirk, it's... it's different.

  Ben : Don't I give you enough opportunities? Good God, woman! I let you be petty with me at least, what, nine, ten times a day! That should be enough for any normal wife! But not you, Susan! No, you know what you are? You're... you're insatiable!

  Susan : I know.

  Ben : I just want you to put a stop to this right now!

  Susan : OK, Ben. I'm sorry. I'll keep all my petty, vindictive, mean-spirited impulses just for you, from now on!

  Ben : Good! Good! Can we put this whole Kirk saga behind us, yeah?

  Susan : Yes. Providing you never wear your socks again in bed.

  Ben : Oh, you drive me wild, you petty little minx!

• Ben : [On finding out Nick drove Susan to the cinema]  Nick?

  Nick : I'm sorry, dad. I can't betray confidence. Cab driver's like a priest.

  Ben : £20.

  Nick : Bless you, my son!