My Family (TV Series)
Much Ado About Ben (2000)
Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper
Quotes
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Susan : [Identifying who has called her, crying] Oh, Doreen, my yoga teacher. Poor thing. While she was becoming one with the universe, her husband was becoming one with an accounts manager from Croydon.
Janey Harper : That's terrible!
Nick Harper : No, Croydon ain't that bad.
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Nick Harper : What's for dinner?
Susan : I'm not sure yet.
[uncovers pot]
Susan : It's either soufflé or bouillabaisse. Time will tell.
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Ben Harper : [about Nick] Why did we have him?
Susan : I don't know. I was asleep.
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Susan : Janey, would you help me, please?
Janey Harper : Yeah, I'd love to, mum. But in order to win, I've got to be caller number five. Rules of the contest are very strict.
Susan : The rules of the house are very strict: help out or you win no radio for a month!
Janey Harper : Look, I've got a 1-in-30,000 chance here!
Susan : In fact, you could win a whole media blackout - no radio, TV, video...
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Janey Harper : [On Nick not helping Susan clean the house] Well, I think it's sexist!
Nick Harper : It's not that men do nothing. It's that women do too much. Besides, you enjoy cleaning.
Susan : [Gives a stern look]
Nick Harper : Crossed a line there, didn't I?
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Susan : Janey, would you dust the piano, please?
Janey Harper : And what do I get for helping?
Susan : My undying gratitude.
Janey Harper : It's a lose-lose situation!
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Susan : [Picks up Nick's jeans] What are these doing here?
Nick Harper : Oh, I was looking for those.
Susan : It may surprise you to know that the living room is not your laundry basket.
Nick Harper : Yeah? What room is?
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Nick Harper : I fell asleep on the couch last night watching TV.
Susan : In the nude?
Nick Harper : I had my socks on.
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Susan : What's this?
Nick Harper : It's... not what you think it is.
Susan : It's Viagra.
Nick Harper : OK, it is what you think it is. But it's not what you think it's for.
Susan : So, what is it for?
Nick Harper : OK, it is what you think it's for!
Susan : So, who's the lucky girl?
Nick Harper : They're all lucky, mum!
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Ben Harper : Nick?
Susan : Get out.
Nick Harper : Do this! Do that! Sometimes, you make me feel like a complete prat!
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Susan : You'll never guess what I found in his pocket today.
Ben Harper : Certainly not a payslip.
Susan : Here.
Ben Harper : What, Viagra?
Susan : You know Nick. He doesn't like to work at anything.
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Susan : [about Nick's Viagra] Aren't you curious to see how it works?
Ben Harper : Eh? No, not really.
Susan : Me neither.
Ben Harper : No.
Susan : [pause] Although, as parents we owe it to our children to make sure what they're doing is safe.
Ben Harper : Are you suggesting that I take it?
Susan : Come on! Where's your sense of adventure?
Ben Harper : At the moment, tending to my bruised ego!
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Ben Harper : [Susan questions his libido] Excuse me! I do not need any help in that department, thank you very much! I don't, do I?
Susan : I never meant to suggest that you did.
Ben Harper : Good. I mean, you're not just trying to protect my feelings, are you?
Susan : Why would I want to do that?
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Doctor Kelly : Well, Mr Harper, you'll be happy to know that it certainly wasn't a heart attack.
Susan : Oh, thank God!
Ben Harper : I never thought it was.
Susan : Then why were you weeping and saying how much you loved the children?
Ben Harper : Because you drove through three red lights!
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Doctor Kelly : How long have you been on Viagra?
Ben Harper : No! I can assure you it was a one-off!
Susan : Not even!
[laughs]
Doctor Kelly : I sincerely doubt that your problem was caused by the Viagra. It's more likely due to the food you eat and a high level of stress.
Ben Harper : Yes, in our house the food we eat *is* the source of stress!
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Ben Harper : You're looking at the new Ben! Positive Ben! The Ben who's open to new experiences! What's this?
Susan : A new experience! It's bleach-free, low-salt rice! You like rice!
Ben Harper : Yes, with chicken tikka masala. Do you have any bleach-free, low-salt chicken tikka masala?
Susan : I thought you were thinking positive.
Ben Harper : Compared to what I'm really thinking, that *is* positive!
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Susan : It's a different generation, Ben. Don't even try.
Ben Harper : I'm not going to feel like an old fart because I don't like their stupid music!
Nick Harper : No, you need to feel like an old fart because you've got hair in your ears!
Nick Harper : Haha! Shut up!
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Janey Harper : Why don't you just have the yoga class in Nick's room?
Nick Harper : A bunch of sweaty babes in skimpy tights? I'm in!
Susan : I'm the youngest sweaty babe in the group.
Nick Harper : I'm out!
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Susan : Do you know, dear, it would do you some good to join the yoga class.
Ben Harper : Susan, please! Stop trying to change me!
Susan : I'm just trying to help you.
Ben Harper : How? By saying I'm old, decrepit and I've got hairy ears?
Nick Harper : Actually, that was me!
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Susan : Sleep well?
Ben Harper : No, I feel terrible! I had nightmares of Nick trying to kiss me!
Susan : Odd. I kept having nightmares of sleeping next to a belching, snorting soak!
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Susan : Ben, this is Doreen. Doreen, my husband Ben.
Ben Harper : Oh, hi.
Doreen : Oh, you look a lot like my ex-husband. Same cruel mouth.
Ben Harper : Oh, the fun starts here!
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Susan : You wouldn't leave me for a younger woman, would you?
Ben Harper : Why? Do you know someone?