- Susan: [Identifying who has called her, crying] Oh, Doreen, my yoga teacher. Poor thing. While she was becoming one with the universe, her husband was becoming one with an accounts manager from Croydon.
- Janey Harper: That's terrible!
- Nick Harper: No, Croydon ain't that bad.
- Nick Harper: What's for dinner?
- Susan: I'm not sure yet.
- [uncovers pot]
- Susan: It's either soufflé or bouillabaisse. Time will tell.
- Ben Harper: Well, congratulations! You've managed to break the world record for cavities!
- Mr. Briggs: Oh, dear!
- Ben Harper: No, save 'Oh, dear' for the bill!
- Ben Harper: Brigitte?
- Brigitte McKay: [Walks in with a book on her head]
- Ben Harper: Oh, lovely. New hat?
- Brigitte McKay: My feet are killing me.
- Ben Harper: Yes, from lack of use, no doubt. A hand, please?
- Brigitte McKay: No, I read this article that said if you improve your posture, it takes the stress off your feet.
- Ben Harper: Mmm. So does lying in the gutter after you've been fired.
- Mr. Briggs: She is right, you know. West African women carry up to 80kg on their head and never need orthopaedic shoes.
- Ben Harper: Please, don't encourage her. Ever. Thank you.
- Brigitte McKay: Is he an anthropologist?
- Ben Harper: No, foot fetishist!
- Brigitte McKay: Don't mind him. He's been extremely tense all morning.
- Ben Harper: No, I've been extremely tense since you applied for this job. Coincidence?
- Brigitte McKay: That's exactly what I mean! Note that the veins are throbbing in his head - see? Right there, that's stress!
- Ben Harper: See? Right there, that's door! Go through - goodbye!
- Susan: Janey, would you help me, please?
- Janey Harper: Yeah, I'd love to, mum. But in order to win, I've got to be caller number five. Rules of the contest are very strict.
- Susan: The rules of the house are very strict: help out or you win no radio for a month!
- Janey Harper: Look, I've got a 1-in-30,000 chance here!
- Susan: In fact, you could win a whole media blackout - no radio, TV, video...
- Janey Harper: [On Nick not helping Susan clean the house] Well, I think it's sexist!
- Nick Harper: It's not that men do nothing. It's that women do too much. Besides, you enjoy cleaning.
- Susan: [Gives a stern look]
- Nick Harper: Crossed a line there, didn't I?
- Susan: Janey, would you dust the piano, please?
- Janey Harper: And what do I get for helping?
- Susan: My undying gratitude.
- Janey Harper: It's a lose-lose situation!
- Susan: [Picks up Nick's jeans] What are these doing here?
- Nick Harper: Oh, I was looking for those.
- Susan: It may surprise you to know that the living room is not your laundry basket.
- Nick Harper: Yeah? What room is?
- Nick Harper: [to Susan] Did you happen to find my underpants?
- Janey Harper: [Picks up his underpants without realising it, then throws it away] NICK!
- Nick Harper: I fell asleep on the couch last night watching TV.
- Susan: In the nude?
- Nick Harper: I had my socks on.
- Susan: What's this?
- Nick Harper: It's... not what you think it is.
- Susan: It's Viagra.
- Nick Harper: OK, it is what you think it is. But it's not what you think it's for.
- Susan: So, what is it for?
- Nick Harper: OK, it is what you think it's for!
- Susan: So, who's the lucky girl?
- Nick Harper: They're all lucky, mum!
- Ben Harper: Nick?
- Susan: Get out.
- Nick Harper: Do this! Do that! Sometimes, you make me feel like a complete prat!
- Susan: You'll never guess what I found in his pocket today.
- Ben Harper: Certainly not a payslip.
- Susan: Here.
- Ben Harper: What, Viagra?
- Susan: You know Nick. He doesn't like to work at anything.
- Susan: [about Nick's Viagra] Aren't you curious to see how it works?
- Ben Harper: Eh? No, not really.
- Susan: Me neither.
- Ben Harper: No.
- Susan: [pause] Although, as parents we owe it to our children to make sure what they're doing is safe.
- Ben Harper: Are you suggesting that I take it?
- Susan: Come on! Where's your sense of adventure?
- Ben Harper: At the moment, tending to my bruised ego!
- Ben Harper: [Susan questions his libido] Excuse me! I do not need any help in that department, thank you very much! I don't, do I?
- Susan: I never meant to suggest that you did.
- Ben Harper: Good. I mean, you're not just trying to protect my feelings, are you?
- Susan: Why would I want to do that?
- Doctor Kelly: Well, Mr Harper, you'll be happy to know that it certainly wasn't a heart attack.
- Susan: Oh, thank God!
- Ben Harper: I never thought it was.
- Susan: Then why were you weeping and saying how much you loved the children?
- Ben Harper: Because you drove through three red lights!
- Doctor Kelly: How long have you been on Viagra?
- Ben Harper: No! I can assure you it was a one-off!
- Susan: Not even!
- [laughs]
- Doctor Kelly: I sincerely doubt that your problem was caused by the Viagra. It's more likely due to the food you eat and a high level of stress.
- Ben Harper: Yes, in our house the food we eat *is* the source of stress!
- Ben Harper: I mean, it could have been a heart attack. It could have been a stroke. But do they care? No. They act as if nothing ever happened.
- Brigitte McKay: But I thought you told them to leave you alone.
- Ben Harper: I've been saying that for years. But, er, why did they start listening to me now?
- Brigitte McKay: Would you like to know what Dave has to say?
- Ben Harper: Dave? Who's Dave?
- Brigitte McKay: He's my guru.
- Ben Harper: You have a guru called Dave?
- Brigitte McKay: Well, yeah, he's a part-time guru. The rest of the time, he's a roofer.
- Brigitte McKay: If you're genuinely happy with who you are...
- Ben Harper: I'm very happy with who I am! I'm ecstatic about who I am! It's who everyone else is that depresses me!
- Janey Harper: Why are older men always going after younger women?
- Nick Harper: I don't know. Maybe it's because they're younger.
- Janey Harper: Well, how would you feel if older women only wanted younger men?
- Nick Harper: Great! Either way, I win!
- Ben Harper: You're looking at the new Ben! Positive Ben! The Ben who's open to new experiences! What's this?
- Susan: A new experience! It's bleach-free, low-salt rice! You like rice!
- Ben Harper: Yes, with chicken tikka masala. Do you have any bleach-free, low-salt chicken tikka masala?
- Susan: I thought you were thinking positive.
- Ben Harper: Compared to what I'm really thinking, that *is* positive!
- Ben Harper: So, what's a-happening, dude?
- Janey Harper: Well, I was trying to win tickets to the Marilyn Manson concert.
- Ben Harper: Marilyn Manson - she's great!
- Janey Harper: It's a he, dad.
- Susan: It's a different generation, Ben. Don't even try.
- Ben Harper: I'm not going to feel like an old fart because I don't like their stupid music!
- Nick Harper: No, you need to feel like an old fart because you've got hair in your ears!
- Nick Harper: Haha! Shut up!
- Janey Harper: Why don't you just have the yoga class in Nick's room?
- Nick Harper: A bunch of sweaty babes in skimpy tights? I'm in!
- Susan: I'm the youngest sweaty babe in the group.
- Nick Harper: I'm out!
- Susan: Do you know, dear, it would do you some good to join the yoga class.
- Ben Harper: Susan, please! Stop trying to change me!
- Susan: I'm just trying to help you.
- Ben Harper: How? By saying I'm old, decrepit and I've got hairy ears?
- Nick Harper: Actually, that was me!
- Susan: Sleep well?
- Ben Harper: No, I feel terrible! I had nightmares of Nick trying to kiss me!
- Susan: Odd. I kept having nightmares of sleeping next to a belching, snorting soak!
- Susan: Ben, this is Doreen. Doreen, my husband Ben.
- Ben Harper: Oh, hi.
- Doreen: Oh, you look a lot like my ex-husband. Same cruel mouth.
- Ben Harper: Oh, the fun starts here!
- Doreen: Call that a tree?
- Ben Harper: [Struggling to do the tree yoga pose] What?
- Doreen: Come on! Raise those branches! Stiffen your trunk!
- Ben Harper: Yeah, that's what got me into this mess in the first place!
- Ben Harper: Ah! Couldn't keep away, could you?
- Doreen: Are you even trying to be a dog?
- Ben Harper: I don't know. Are you still trying to be a tree?
- Ben Harper: OK! I said I would give it a try, Susan, but actually I quit!
- Doreen: Oh, what a surprise! Another man not willing to commit!
- Ben Harper: Commit to what? To being miserable? I can do that quite happily on my own, thank you very much!