- Dental Assistant: My ex-husband was a dentist. I worked alongside him faithfully for 15 years, only to be discarded like a used swab!
- Ben Harper: That reminds me, erm... swab, please?
- Dental Assistant: You're all alike, you dentists - with your fast cars and your fast women!
- Ben Harper: Which, erm, dental school did your ex-husband actually go to?
- Dental Assistant: You're just after one thing!
- Ben Harper: Yep - the swab. Thank you.
- Ben Harper: Now, would you just be quiet and do as you're told!
- Dental Assistant: That's just what he said! Just before he ran off with his young attractive dental assistant!
- Ben Harper: Well, there's no danger of that happening here!
- Ben Harper: Janey! Janey, what the hell are you doing in there?
- Janey Harper: Flossing, like you always tell us to.
- Ben Harper: Yes, but recent tests prove that flossing can be harmful to your health when your father wants to get in the bathroom!
- Janey Harper: Oh, dad!
- Ben Harper: I've got to go to work!
- Janey Harper: I've got to go to school!
- Ben Harper: You hate school!
- Janey Harper: You hate work - it's a draw!
- Dental Assistant: You dentists are all the same!
- Ben Harper: I'm sorry, do you have some sort of problem with dentists?
- Dental Assistant: You don't want to know.
- Ben Harper: Yep, you're right there!
- Susan Harper: Look. Janey's diary.
- Ben Harper: Where did you get that?
- Susan Harper: I found it.
- Ben Harper: You... found it? In what sense, found? Found as in fine toothcomb search of her personal possessions?
- Susan Harper: No, found in the sense that Fleming discovered penicillin. He was looking for something else.
- Ben Harper: Right. What... what were you looking for?
- Susan Harper: What was Fleming looking for? The point is I found it.
- Ben Harper: [about Janey's diary] Eureka! Now put it back before all hell breaks loose! You don't want Janey to think you r... you've read it, haven't you?
- Susan Harper: [Long pause] Yes, I did. And it's... it's horrible!
- Ben Harper: Why? Er... what, erm... what does it say?
- Susan Harper: She says 'Mum doesn't trust me'.
- Susan Harper: And?
- Ben Harper: Isn't that enough?
- Ben Harper: Well, you don't trust her! You've read her diary!
- Susan Harper: What sort of party is it going to be?
- Ben Harper: I'll tell you what sort of party it's going to be: ear-splitting music, stains on the carpet, peeing in the shrubbery, groping in the bedrooms!
- Janey Harper: Should I be taking notes?
- Nick: Don't worry, dad. I'll keep an eye on things.
- Janey Harper: Yeah! Yeah, like you're invited!
- Nick: I know lots of boys!
- Janey Harper: Er, don't worry, dad! Nick will keep an eye on things!
- Susan Harper: What are we going to tell the Pattersons?
- Ben Harper: Just tell them we had to prevent the four horsemen of the Apocalypse from trashing our house and we maybe a bit late!
- Susan Harper: You're being ridiculous. There are thousands of parties in London on a Saturday night. It's not going to be our house.
- Ben Harper: Of course it's our house! They said the girl's parents were idiots!
- Ben Harper: [about Janey's diary] Eureka! Now put it back before all hell breaks loose! You don't want Janey to think you r... you've read it, haven't you?
- Susan Harper: [Long pause] Yes, I did. And it's... it's horrible!
- Ben Harper: Why? Er... what, erm... what does it say?
- Susan Harper: She says 'Mum doesn't trust me'.
- Ben Harper: And?
- Susan Harper: Isn't that enough?
- Ben Harper: Well, you don't trust her! You've read her diary!
- Ben Harper: [rhetorically] Do you think I care what the neighbours think?
- Susan Harper: No, that's why I had to do it.
- Ben Harper: Well I'm going to use the other bathroom because I have to do it.
- Susan Harper: You can't!
- Ben Harper: You just watch me!
- Ben Harper: So did the plumber turn up?
- Nick: No, he did not.
- Ben Harper: Mmm.
- Nick: Isn't that always the way?
- Ben Harper: Mmm.
- Nick: You take a day off and what happens.
- Ben Harper: You tell me. You're the expert.
- Nick: Oh which reminds me, I had another go at fixing your toilet.
- Ben Harper: [closing his eyes and dreading what he is about to hear] Oh God!
- Nick: No, no, no!
- Ben Harper: [annoyed] Nick, please don't...!
- Nick: Dad, Dad, Dad! It's all right. It's just a bit cracked.
- Ben Harper: What?
- Nick: In half. But we're getting a new one, aren't we?
- Ben Harper: [comically outraged] You idiot!
- Nick: I knew you were going to say that.