- Maxwell Sheffield: [to Fran] Before you came into my life, I never had the need for an emergency transvestite.
- Brighton Sheffield: [the kids are watching The Mummy in the dark during a thunderstorm] Fran says this movie's really scary, it's just some guy wrapped up in Charmin. There's nothing scary about this.
- Fran Fine: [pops up behind the couch with a flashlight] Boo!
- [the kids scream, she laughs]
- Fran Fine: I used to LOVE doing that to Ma, thank God for plastic slipcovers.
- Maxwell Sheffield: Goodnight, Miss Fine.
- Fran Fine: Goodnight, Miss Fine? That's all you have to say to me?
- Maxwell Sheffield: Pleasant dreams? What else do you want me to say?
- Fran Fine: Oh I don't know. 'How was your day?' 'What's new?' King Tut in the trench coat?
- Fran Fine: [Val reveals she told her priest about Cher] That putz! Val, was he wearing his collar?
- Val Toriello: No.
- Fran Fine: Val! I told you, if a priest doesn't have his collar on, it's like having their fingers crossed!
- Fran Fine: [after the mystery guest reveals she's Cher but Fran interprets it as 'share'] He still won't tell me who you are.
- The mysterious person in bandages: Che-e-e-e-e-er-r-r-r!
- Fran Fine: I hee-e-e-e-a-r-r-r-rd you!
- [to Maxwell]
- Fran Fine: Are you sure it wasn't a head injury?
- The mysterious person in bandages: [walks over to Fran] Grammy. Emmy. Oscar.
- Fran Fine: [gasps] Rita Moreno?