- Bill: Being loved isn't enough for me anymore. I need to *give* love. I need a baby; end of story.
- Dave: Couldn't you just get a puppy?
- Bill: I had one; it ran away.
- Dave: Well, then get a cat!
- Bill: Had one - ran away.
- Dave: Get a fish!
- Bill: Had one - asphyxiated while trying to run away. Strangest thing!
- [Beth is practicing to be a duchess]
- Joe: By the by, where do you winter?
- Beth: Oh! Uh, well, generally, my ladies in waiting and I get the presidential suite at Disneyland. It's really quite loverly.
- Joe: [makes buzzer noise] Wrong! Rich people don't go to Disneyland.
- Beth: They don't?
- Joe: No. They go to Disney *World*.
- Bill: Four years? I mean, I could be married and have a baby of my own by then!
- Adoption Agent: Yes, I suppose you could.
- Bill: So, what are you doin' tonight?
- Bill: Well, this is going to come as a bit of shock to everyone; I'm still trying to get used to it myself - but... I'm going to have a baby.
- Dave: ...No, you're not.
- Bill: Yes, I am! I'm going to have a baby!
- Matthew Brock: Wow! You're hardly even showing!
- Bill: I'm not exactly getting any younger, Lisa. If this were Logan's Run, I'd be Soylent Green by now.
- Bill: Parenting is something you can learn as you experience it - like riding a bike, or filing a restraining order against a crazy aunt.
- Bill: My life is about to change in a very big way, and I want all of you - my closest companions - to...
- Beth: Are you getting a liver transplant?
- Bill: What?
- Beth: Oh - no, I'm sorry; hang on. Uh, you're giving someone *your* liver?
- Bill: No, I'm not...
- Dave: You can't give someone your liver.
- Joe: Yeah - that's just what they *want* you to think.
- Lisa: I do not understand you men and your babies! You know, you get around a bunch of kids, and all of a sudden you're acting like... women.