- Mrs Warboys: [eating a plate of spaghetti Margaret has just given her] This is nice. Not that I can taste it with my allergy of course; might be absolutely horrible.
- Mrs Warboys: [about the film they just watched] Why did those detectives ask David Dimbleby for his sperm?
- Victor Meldrew: To eliminate him from their inquiries.
- Mrs Warboys: Oh, I see.
- Victor Meldrew: The police can use sperm now as a way of fingerprinting people.
- Mrs Warboys: [with a long face] Don't see what was wrong with the old ink pads.
- Mrs Warboys: [cleaning Margaret's cupboards] Morning. Just thought I'd get some of the filth out of these cupboards for you.
- [first lines]
- Victor Meldrew: Well, that's that over for another year. The joyous ritual of our annual pilgrimage to see great-aunt Joyce. Gets more like entering a mummy's tomb every time we go there.
- Margaret Meldrew: Is it my imagination, or has it got cold in here?
- Victor Meldrew: Still, these'll be a real godsend, won't they! A pair of gloves with six fingers in each hand. Trying to tell me I'd grow into them. What's she going to knit for me next time, a balaclava with two heads?
- [last lines]
- Reporter: Tonight, as the furore mounts over a local newspaper's unwarranted intrusion into the privacy of its MP, we give the paper's editor, Victor Meldrew, a taste of his own medicine. We ask the question, "You can dish it out to others, but can you take it yourself?"