One Foot in the Grave (TV Series)

The Beast in the Cage (1992)

Richard Wilson: Victor Meldrew

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Victor Meldrew : Oh, God Al-mighty!

  Margaret Meldrew : Want a sucky sweet?

  Victor Meldrew : Sucky sweet! I'll be sucking on that exhaust pipe in a minute, much more of this.

• Victor Meldrew : There's a wasp in the middle of this ice cube.

  Mrs Warboys : I know. It was the only one left; I didn't think you were all that fussy.

  Victor Meldrew : Didn't think I was all that fussy! I'll have a slice of dead rat in it as well if you've got one, please, and a dog turd on a cocktail stick.

• Victor Meldrew : [complaining on being stuck for a long time in a traffic jam]  I wish I was dead!

  Margaret Meldrew : I wish you were dead. Then we might get some peace.

• Victor Meldrew : [staring at horse-box]  Like watching a party political broadcast by Kenneth Clarke.

• [Victor is stuck in traffic - a man leans out and talks to him] 

  Salmon : No! Recession, what recession? Not from where I'm sitting. And I've got two salons in North London both doing serious business. The way I look at it is, well, the economy may stop growing, but your hair doesn't, know what I'm saying? So I'm now looking at options for a third outlet in Pimlico. Probably opening next summer. So you just pop along, mention my name, and get a free shampoo and set on the house. Just say you're friends with Mr. Salmon.

  [it is then noticed that Salmon is acually talking to two women in the car beside Victor's, but is doing so through Victors car window] 

  Lisa : Oooh, I don't know.

  Carol : Sounds a bit fishy to me.

  Lisa : You could be anybody.

  Salmon : But you'll just have to trust me, won't you, my sweetheart. I'll tell you what, you can have a full perm for half price. What did you say your name was?

  Lisa : Lisa.

  Salmon : Lisa. And your friend?

  Carol : Carol.

  Salmon : Carol. You can have the full works. Cut, dyed and blow dried all at twenty percent discount. And I might even take you out for a drink afterwards; now I can't say fairer than that, can I?

  Lisa : How do you know I'm not a natural blonde?

  Salmon : Well, that's for you to prove otherwise, isn't it.

  Victor Meldrew : Oh, for God's sake! I think I may throw up!

  Salmon : Sorry, what's your problem, matey?

  Victor Meldrew : Why don't you just dangle your private parts out of the window?

• Victor Meldrew : Mirror image of your life really, isn't it? Car journey on a bank holiday. First fifty-odd miles on the go all the way - a sense of direction - bowling along. Get past sixty, everything slows down to a sudden crawl and you realise you're not going anywhere any more. All the things you thought you were going to do that never came to anything. And you can't turn the clock back. One way traffic just gradually grinding to a complete halt.

• [last lines] 

  Victor Meldrew : Oh, God, I'm bloody ravenous now. I can't last a moment longer. It's no good. I'm afraid there's only one thing for it: we'll have to eat Mrs Warboys. I know she's a bit gristly but these are desperate times, and as a close friend of the family I'm sure she will agree to do the decent thing and shoot herself. It's either that, or...

  Mrs Warboys : Or what, Mr Meldrew?

  Victor Meldrew : Or...

  [sighs deeply] 

  Victor Meldrew : Where's the sucky sweets?

• Victor Meldrew : [turns off radio]  God, bloody Derek Jameson. Rather listen to the back end of a horse, thank you very much.

  Margaret Meldrew : [doing crossword]  What's another name for the dung-beetle?

  Victor Meldrew : Gyles Brandreth. Another one I can't stand for love nor money.