One Foot in the Grave (TV Series)

Warm Champagne (1993)

Angus Deayton: Patrick

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Patrick : [keyed into his computer]  Saturday, July 1st. The end to a week of perfect bliss: The Biggest Cretin in Christendom returns today from holiday. The man is goofy beyond belief, and seems to delight in making my life a complete misery. But for once I'm about to get my own back. Ha ha ha! Because what Meldrew doesn't know is that

  [he continues to type] 

  Pippa : Are you nearly finished with that? I've got some letters to write. Hey! Listen to this. It's from Mr Hithercroft; you know, that old bloke with the monocle. Says: "Thank you so much for showing me round your house last Thursday. It is a truly delightful property and I should very much like to arrange a return visit to inspect it more closely." Mmmm. "I hope you will not mind if this time I bring along my camera, as I am very keen to take some photographs of you in the nude. I have a fine collection of World War II gas masks which, if you are agreeable, we..." Oh, dear! I think I feel sick.

  Patrick : Hmm, sounds quite promising, then.

  Pippa : Why... What... I beg your pardon!

  Patrick : Well, it's only a bit of fun, presumably. You never know, might be serious. We are desperate.

  Pippa : We're not *that* bloody desperate. In any case, it's addressed to *you*!

• [last lines] 

  Patrick : What was that letter you said you typed up for him?

  Pippa : Oh, just a letter to the dairy, about compensation for that milk tanker going into his lamppost. It was only a couple of pages. You don't mind do you?

  Patrick : *Dairy*.

  [looks at computer screen] 

  Patrick : Oh my God, no. You, you didn't name the file Dairy?

  Pippa : Why? What was wrong with that? What's the matter now? What's happened?

  [looks at computer screen] 

  Pippa : Oh no.

  Patrick : Rather afraid you did.

  [the computer screen shows 'File Printed - DIARY']