- Margaret Meldrew: You talk about being sensitive; I'm afraid that's Victor's trouble. He's the most sensitive person I've ever met. And that's why I love him and why I constantly want to ram his head through a television screen.
- [first lines]
- Patrick: [keyed into his computer] Saturday, July 1st. The end to a week of perfect bliss: The Biggest Cretin in Christendom returns today from holiday. The man is goofy beyond belief, and seems to delight in making my life a complete misery. But for once I'm about to get my own back. Ha ha ha! Because what Meldrew doesn't know is that
- [he continues to type]
- Pippa: Are you nearly finished with that? I've got some letters to write. Hey! Listen to this. It's from Mr Hithercroft; you know, that old bloke with the monocle. Says: "Thank you so much for showing me round your house last Thursday. It is a truly delightful property and I should very much like to arrange a return visit to inspect it more closely." Mmmm. "I hope you will not mind if this time I bring along my camera, as I am very keen to take some photographs of you in the nude. I have a fine collection of World War II gas masks which, if you are agreeable, we..." Oh, dear! I think I feel sick.
- Patrick: Hmm, sounds quite promising, then.
- Pippa: Why... What... I beg your pardon!
- Patrick: Well, it's only a bit of fun, presumably. You never know, might be serious. We are desperate.
- Pippa: We're not *that* bloody desperate. In any case, it's addressed to *you*!
- Margaret Meldrew: Do you know what's actually worse than warm champagne?
- Ben: No.
- Margaret Meldrew: No, I really don't think you do.
- [last lines]
- Patrick: What was that letter you said you typed up for him?
- Pippa: Oh, just a letter to the dairy, about compensation for that milk tanker going into his lamppost. It was only a couple of pages. You don't mind do you?
- Patrick: *Dairy*.
- [looks at computer screen]
- Patrick: Oh my God, no. You, you didn't name the file Dairy?
- Pippa: Why? What was wrong with that? What's the matter now? What's happened?
- [looks at computer screen]
- Pippa: Oh no.
- Patrick: Rather afraid you did.
- [the computer screen shows 'File Printed - DIARY']