- Kevin Bruckner: Um... Sue. If you had a guy that... like, you know, he liked you... what would he have to do to, er... You know.
- Susan Bruckner: I'm eleven. I don't have to deal with that teenage mating ritual crap.
- [Al and Sam are discussing Kevin who has been challenged to make a move on a girl]
- Dr. Sam Beckett: I'm not gonna tell a fifteen-year-old boy how to seduce a girl.
- Admiral Al Calavicci: I don't see where you have any choice in this, Sam. The kid is-is-is- He's inexperienced.
- Dr. Sam Beckett: He's supposed to be inexperienced. He's fifteen!
- Admiral Al Calavicci: I kno- I'll have you know, when I was fif...
- Dr. Sam Beckett: The fact that you were a practicing pervert at the age of five has nothing to do with the rest of the world.
- [Sam just left to go find Kevin, with Al staying behind]
- Ox: Man, with a mother like that I'd still be a virgin too.
- Admiral Al Calavicci: You are still a virgin, pimple-puss. And you're gonna be a virgin for another six years.
- [Kevin sees the two kidnappers on the ground that Sam - Kevin's mom - has single-handedly knocked out earlier]
- Kevin Bruckner: Mom! How?
- Dr. Sam Beckett: Girl Scouts. Come on.
- Kevin Bruckner: Girl Scouts? Awesome.
- [Teresa sees Sam and Al for who they really are]
- Teresa: [re Sam, then Al] That's not my Mommy, that's a man. So's the guy in the yucky shirt.
- Admiral Al Calavicci: This is my favorite shirt. This is cutting-edge stuff.
- Teresa: It's yucky.
- Admiral Al Calavicci: You lay one hand on this kid, you slime bag, and I'll kill ya. I don't know how, but I'll kill ya.
- Dr. Sam Beckett: No, I'm not going to encourage a fifteen-year-old boy to have sexual intercourse.
- Teresa: [entering] What's sekelar undercourse?
- Kevin Bruckner: [about Magnum, P.I] The guy talks like he's been sucking helium, and he giggles like a girl.
- Susan Bruckner: The only thing that matters is that he's sensitive, and he understands the needs of a woman.
- Kevin Bruckner: And what makes you such an expert on a woman's needs, runt?
- Susan Bruckner: Knowledge by gender, jerk.
- [about Al]
- Sam: The fact that you were a practicing pervert at the age of 5 has nothing to do with the rest of the world!
- Kevin Bruckner: [to Sam] Are you okay, Mom?
- Teresa: He's not our Mommy.
- Kevin Bruckner: Have you ever considered taking her to a baby shrink?
- Teresa: I'm not a baby.
- Kevin Bruckner: Okay, a dwarf shrink.
- [Teresa has run away when seeing Sam in the role of her mother]
- Dr. Sam Beckett: Do you... do you think you could go and, and... talk to her again, uh, uh, please?
- Susan Bruckner: Mom, I'm eleven. I won't have my psych degree for another fifteen years.
- Kevin Bruckner: They don't give degrees to the hopelessly stupid.