Queer as Folk (TV Series)
Premiere (2000)
Hal Sparks: Michael Novotny
Photos
Quotes
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[first lines]
Michael Novotny : [voice over narration] The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. It's true. In fact, they say men think about sex every twenty eight seconds. Of course, that's straight men. With gay men, it's every nine. You can be at the supermarket or the laundromat or buying a fabulous shirt, when suddenly you find yourself checking out some hot guy, hotter than the one you saw last weekend, or went home with the night before. Which explains why we're all at Babylon at one in the morning, instead of at home in bed. But who wants to be at home in bed, especially alone, when you can be here, knowing that at any moment, you might see him - the most beautiful man whoever lived... That is, until tomorrow night! By the way, that's me. Six-one, Forty six inch chest, sixteen inch biceps, twenty eight inch waist, a veritable God. I wish. Okay, that's me. Michael Novotny, the semi-cute boy-next-door type. Twenty nine, five-ten, one forty, nine and a half cut. Alright, so I exaggerate. But, like, who's told the truth since they invented cybersex?
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Emmett Honeycutt : [referring to the hot guy who walks by at Babylon] My God..., have you ever seen anything more beautiful.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Venice. At sunset.
Emmett Honeycutt : Fine. You go down the Grand Canal. I'll go down on him.
[jokingly follows after guy]
Michael Novotny : [voice over narration] Emmett can be a little campy. Okay, a lot campy. But you gotta admit, these days it takes real guts to be a queen in a world full of commoners.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : The problem with perfection... is its inability to recognize anything less perfect than itself.
Emmett Honeycutt : In other words, you hit on him and he turned you down.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : ...Yeah.
Michael Novotny : [voice over narration] Ted's this really smart guy, and he's got a really big heart. Only nobody here's interested in the size of that organ.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Why am I wasting my time staring at a bunch of over-pumped princesses with I.Q.'s smaller than their waists...?
[Ted froze as a hot guy walked past him]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Jesus, look at him!
Michael Novotny : [voice over narration] Like I said, it's all about sex. 'Except when you're having it. And then it's all about, "Will he stay?", "Will he go?", "How am I doing?", "What am I doing?". Unless, of course, you're Brian Kinney. And then it's "Who gives a fuck what you think? You're lucky to have me".
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Michael Novotny : That was quick.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Hell, when you've had as much practice as he's had.
Brian : I got bored.
Emmett Honeycutt : I know. Getting your dick sucked can be so tedious.
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Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson : We've been thinking of names. Mel wants to call him Abraham after her grandfather, but I like Gus.
[Brian looks at his son, then over to Justin.]
Brian : What do you think?
Justin : You wouldn't survive a day in school being named Abraham, but I guess Gus is okay.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus : Thank you very much, and who the hell are you?
Brian : His name's... Juh...
Michael Novotny : Justin.
Brian : You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me.
Lesbians In The Room : Ugh...
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson : Oh, Brian!
Brian : He can't help it. He's only seventeen.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus : So you and Lindsay each had an infant tonight.
Brian : But mine doesn't suck on my tits, unless I want him to.
[looking back at Gus]
Brian : Gus! It's a good butch name. Come on Gus; give your daddy a smile.
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Brian : [On the hospital roof, Brian gets up on the ledge.] There is always one solution. I could end it all now right now.
Michael Novotny : Oh, that would be dramatic. It's like "E.R.". Birth and death in the same episode. Now, get down!
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Michael Novotny : [to Justin] Okay Boy Wonder, I'm taking you home.
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Emmett Honeycutt : Don't look now but somebody's wat-ching.
Michael Novotny : Oh, him. He's been cruising me all night.
Emmett Honeycutt : Hmm... playing hard to get. I love that in a man.
Michael Novotny : Not playing, just not interested.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Check out that bubble butt. And that basket? Enough in there for the Big Bad Wolf.
Michael Novotny : Would you quit staring! There's more to a guy than his cock size... Or his perfectly shaped ass.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Which is why you read all those comic books, with those superheroes in their little tights - for the plot.
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Michael Novotny : Hey, Todd! How's it going?
Todd : Fine!
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Michael Novotny : [Brian is receiving oral sex from a guy in the back room of Babylon.] We need to go. We want to eat.
Brian : I'm just gonna give him my number.
Michael Novotny : What'd you do, you write it on your dick? How long is this gonna take?
Brian : [looking at the face of the guy] Ten minutes. Tops.
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Michael Novotny : [voice over narration] And that's when it happened. When he came along.
Brian : How's it going? Had a busy night?
Justin : Just eh... Checking out the bars, you know. Boy Toy, Meat Hook.
Brian : The Meat Hook? Really? So you're into leather?
Justin : [hesitating] ...Sure.
Brian : Where're you headed?
Justin : No place special.
Brian : I can change that.
[both of them got into the jeep.]
Emmett Honeycutt : Hey! Hey, what about us?
Brian : You can ride with Ted.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Thanks a lot!
Michael Novotny : Asshole!
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Emmett Honeycutt : Oh my God, look. He must've followed us.
Michael Novotny : Christ! That's just what I need.
Emmett Honeycutt : Honey, it's what we all need.
[Michael shakes his head, ready to go into his house. Emmett stopping Michael.]
Emmett Honeycutt : Hey, when was last time you got laid?
[Michael opens his mouth, doesn't know how to respond.]
Emmett Honeycutt : My point exactly: if you can't remember, then it's time.
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Emmett Honeycutt : [Michael is making out with a guy when Emmett walks into them.] Woo! Don't mind me, just eh... can't sleep without my milk and Oreos.
Michael Novotny : This is my friend Emmett. He's staying with me temporarily since the hooker who lived down the hall from him burnt his apartment building down two years ago.
Trick : Two years is a long time to be temporary.
Michael Novotny : And yet it hasn't interfered with my love life... Which I suppose says a lot about my love life.
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Michael Novotny : It's disgusting, all those lesbians fawning over him and making goo-goo talk.
Brian : That's what women do over babies.
Michael Novotny : Who's talking about the baby? I mean Justin. It's kinda weird, you're having a kid. Still, it's exciting, isn't it?
Brian : What? Having some wrinkled little time clock ticking away? Reminding you that you're getting older by the minute, by the second?
Michael Novotny : Keep thinking like that, you're gonna end up prematurely gray... Oh, I think I see one.
[Michael reaches for Brian, pulling off his hair.]
Brian : Ouch!
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Brian : Come 'on, Mikey, let's fly... like in all those comic books. I'm Superman. I'll show you the world!
Michael Novotny : Why am I always Lois Lane?
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Michael Novotny : He calls me, practically begs me to go with him, knowing full well I'm with someone, for the first time in I don't know how long...
Emmett Honeycutt : Seven months, two weeks, and three days.
Michael Novotny : Thank you. And even though the guy wasn't always cracked up to be...
Emmett Honeycutt : We'll let that remark pass.
Michael Novotny : At least he wanted me. Me!
[sitting down on the couch]
Michael Novotny : God, I'm so horny!
Emmett Honeycutt : Poor baby. Well I have just the thing. A new porn video.
[running to get the video]
Emmett Honeycutt : It all takes place in a prisoner of war camp. Hot, horny men starved for action.
Michael Novotny : I can relate to that.
Emmett Honeycutt : [Emmett hands over the video to Michael.] Guaranteed to make your private stand up and salute.
Michael Novotny : "Schindler's Fist"?
Emmett Honeycutt : Ah... Here.
[handing Michael the remote]
Emmett Honeycutt : I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you're going to have a deep, meaningful relationship. Good night!
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Michael Novotny : [Michael walks into Brian and Justin, kissing.] Christ! Didn't you get enough last night?
Brian : There is no such thing as enough. Besides, I couldn't send him off without a nourishing high-protein breakfast.
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Brian : [surprised by the graffiti on his jeep] Oh, that's beautiful, Mikey. Just beautiful.
Michael Novotny : It's not my fault! I've told you about those two psychopaths down the street.
Brian : What? A couple of twelve-year-olds?
Michael Novotny : They start early these days!
[looking at Justin]
Michael Novotny : What are you laughing at?
Justin : Nothing... You. You sound like my parents fighting.
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Brian : [everyone at Justin's school is staring at Brian's jeep with the word 'faggot' on it.] Here we are, sonny boy.
Michael Novotny : Be sure to come home right after school.
Brian : No lingering on the playground or the locker room with the gym teacher.
Michael Novotny : Oh, you did not tell him about that!
Brian : It's the most famous shower scene since "Psycho".
Justin's Schoolmate : [passing by, screaming at Justin] Hey, Justin..., you wanna suck me off?
Brian : No.
[getting down from his jeep]
Brian : But I'll kick your tight little virgin ass so hard you won't sit down for a week!
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[first lines]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [on the phone] Brian Kinney, a father.
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] It's true. I was there. I saw it happen with my own eyes.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [on the phone] Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. Or is it the other way around?
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] Would you give the guy a break?
Emmett Honeycutt : [on the phone] Couldn't be any worse than my Daddy was.
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] Or mine. Not that I remember him.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [on the phone] So what's next? PTA Parent, Little League coach, Scout master?
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] They don't allow queers into the scouts. They're afraid we'll induct new recruits.
Emmett Honeycutt : [on the phone] I only go out with men who already enlisted. So, uh, who's he look like?
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and... Lindsay's nose.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [on the phone] Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble.
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] You should see the pictures I took. He is so adorable. In one of them, he's actually playing with himself.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [on the phone] Who, Brian?
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] No, the baby. Imagine, he's only been in the world an hour and already he's pulling his pud.
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Michael Novotny : [voice over narration] Remember that story we all read in high school? You know, the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? Plato or whoever? All they could see were shadows on a wall. So, after a while, they started thinking that was reality. Well, in a way, that's what Ted's like. It's been so long since he's had sex with someone who he didn't download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces aren't real. That no one's really there. That they're only ... shadows. Then again, who ever got anal warts in a chat room?
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Michael Novotny : It was a trap!
Emmett Honeycutt : Hey! See that number in the red shorts?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I can work out for a hundred years and never look like that.
Michael Novotny : Pretending she didn't like her just to see what I'd say.
Emmett Honeycutt : Shawn Peters, went home with him the other night, thinking he was this brutal top...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : And?
Michael Novotny : ...And I fell for it!
Emmett Honeycutt : Turns out, he's a big, nelly bottom!
[laughing]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I could've told you that!
Emmett Honeycutt : Ugh! It's so discouraging. Are there no real man left?
Michael Novotny : Now they're expecting me to meet them?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Steroid city?
Michael Novotny : No! In a straight bar. Is there anyone here listening?
Emmett Honeycutt : [speaking really fast] There's this new girl at work who's interested in you, Fat Marley tricked you into meeting her, and some of the others for a drink after work, and now you have to go, or they might suspect.
[changing topic]
Emmett Honeycutt : Check out Mr. Peck-Deck.
[back to Michael]
Emmett Honeycutt : So what if they do?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : They could fire him?
Michael Novotny : Or I can end up an assistant manager for the rest of my life.
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Emmett Honeycutt : And... the solution is to pretend you like pussy?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [sigh] Look, he's not like you, okay?
Emmett Honeycutt : What is that supposed to mean?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Meaning he's not an obviously gay man.
Emmett Honeycutt : Are you accusing me of being obvious?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : If the 'fuck-me' pump fits...
Emmett Honeycutt : Ah...
[putting down his barbells]
Emmett Honeycutt : Well... I could be a... a real man if I wanted to. You know...
[Michael stops doing his routine, raises his eyebrows, looking at Emmett]
Emmett Honeycutt : ...just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless, never, never use words like, like "fabulous" or "divine". Talk about... I don't know,
[deepening his voice]
Emmett Honeycutt : nailing bitches and R.B.I.'s. But I'd rather my flame burn bright! Than be some puny little pilot light.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : And a fabulous flame it is.
Emmett Honeycutt : Thank you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Yeah, but Michael is out there in the straight world. Believe me, it isn't easy.
[reassuring Michael]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : You do what you have to do.
Michael Novotny : I better go change.
Emmett Honeycutt : For your big date? Here's a Sports mag. Better bone up. Just in case the conversation veers away from Liza's weight problem.
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Michael Novotny : We need a secret code word like "Shazam" so that if I get into a tight spot, you could come and rescue me.
Brian Kinney : Tight spot? How about "butt-plug"?
Michael Novotny : "Butt-plug" might be a little hard to work into a conversation.
Brian Kinney : Because that's what you are, pretending you're one of them.
Michael Novotny : I couldn't help it!
Brian Kinney : Or you could've told her the truth instead of acting like a scared little faggot. You should've just said, "I take it up the ass, sweetheart. Deal with it!".
Michael Novotny : Right, right. By the way, I noticed you got the jeep repainted.
[They have finally reached the bar.]
Michael Novotny : God this place is like "Breeders' Central". Butt-plug, butt-plug, butt-plug, butt...
Brian Kinney : [pushing Michael down the jeep] See ya, Mikey.
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Tracy : [Michael is in a bar with Tracy and a few other straight colleagues, when Tracy starts to talk about plumbing.] Like, can you believe he... he didn't even know how to fix a sink.
Michael Novotny : Really?
Tracy : He called me at work, saying, "What should I do?"... I said, "I don't care what you do. Buy some cement, get a cork, use chewing gum, but plug it up!".
[Everyone's laughing...]
Michael Novotny : Butt-plug...
[laughing]
Michael Novotny : Butt-plug!
[laughing again]
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Tracy : You've got to believe, right Mike?
Michael Novotny : Like Cher!
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Michael Novotny : [answering his cell phone] Hello, sports fans!
Brian Kinney : [on the phone] I'm coming to get you.
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] It's okay. I'm having a really good time. She's really nice.
Brian Kinney : [on the phone] She's really nice? Do you think she and her friends would be really nice if they knew the little charade you were playing? They'd probably tie you to a fence and bash your brains in.
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] They're not like that.
Brian Kinney : [on the phone] Not like that, huh? Listen to me, Mikey. Are you listening?
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] Yeah, I'm listening.
Brian Kinney : [on the phone] There's only two kinds of straight people in this world: The ones that hate you to your face... and the ones that hate you behind your back. Now, get the fuck out of there... because I need you.
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Justin : Hi!
Brian Kinney : Oh shit! Just what I need. What's his name?
Michael Novotny : Justin! His name's Justin. If I can remember, and I didn't even fuck him, why can't you?
Brian Kinney : Because I did?
[Brian approaches Justin, standing beside him.]
Brian Kinney : So, Dawson, how are things down at the creek?
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Emmett Honeycutt : You know, for a skinny white boy, I make one fucking fabulous black woman.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : How bout another round on me?
Brian Kinney : I got a better idea. Lets move on.
Michael Novotny : What's wrong with here?
Brian Kinney : I've had everyone here.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : My problem precisely.
Michael Novotny : You haven't had me.
Brian Kinney : [smiles] Oh, yeah?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : What? You never told us.
Michael Novotny : There is nothing to tell.
Brian Kinney : We were up in his room. We were fourteen, fifteen tops. We were supposed to be studying, whatever. Only, we're not. We're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. Anyway, there's this shot of Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing"... without his shirt on. So, I've got this hard-on just from looking at it, and I glance over at Mikey and guess what? He's got one, too.
Michael Novotny : Okay, you can stop now.
Brian Kinney : [laughs] Twin stiffies. I reach over, start rubbing it. He's practically swooning.
[drops voice]
Brian Kinney : I pop it out, start stroking it, nice and slow. We're both this close. Then... his mom walks in without knocking.
Justin : They always do. Did she see you?
Brian Kinney : I don't see how she could have missed it.
Michael Novotny : Only we didn't come, so it doesn't count.
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Justin : "Dirty Dancing". That's a really old movie.
Brian Kinney : What?
Justin : I said that's a really old movie.
Brian Kinney : It's not that old.
Justin : How old are you?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Ugh-oh.
Brian Kinney : How old do you think I am?
Justin : Thirty-three?
[Everyone laughs.]
Brian Kinney : Fuck you.
Michael Novotny : He's twenty-nine.
Brian Kinney : And fuck you too! What did you tell him for?
Michael Novotny : Fair's fair.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : And we all know what that means. In a few months, he'll be thirty. Might as well be dead?
Brian Kinney : Well, you ought to know. You already are.
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Michael Novotny : Can we order?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Shoot! I bet that'll be the first time tonight, am I right?
[laughs]
Michael Novotny : Ha-ha... I'll have the chicken-fried steak. No remarks. And he'll have a bacon cheeseburger.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Please?
Michael Novotny : Please.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : [to Justin] Gotta keep your strength up sunshine. You can't cruise all night on an empty stomach
[walking away]
Justin : What a freak!
Michael Novotny : Yeah, she takes some getting used to. But once you do, you can't help but love her.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : One chicken-fried steak with no remarks, coming up in a flash.
Michael Novotny : Thanks, Mom.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : You're welcome, baby.
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Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : So you going out cruising after you drop me off?
Michael Novotny : No, I've been invited to an all-night orgy.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Sounds hot!
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Michael Novotny : Yeah, well, the thing you gotta know about Brian is... he's not your boyfriend. Brian doesn't do boyfriends.
Justin : Yeah, well... You weren't there when we were doing it. You don't know the things we did. How he kissed me. You don't know anything.
Michael Novotny : I know this: Brian is a selfish prick who doesn't care about anyone but himself. If I were you I'd just forget about him.
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[as they are driving back to Brian's loft from the hospital...]
Michael Charles Novotny : Brian, what did you take?
Brian : A, B, C, D, *E, E, E.*
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Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Are you in pain?
Vic Grassi : Yeah.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Where? Tell me.
Vic Grassi : My wallet.
[hands her a paper]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Holy shit!
Michael Novotny : What is it?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : It's the MasterCard bill from our trip to Italy.
Vic Grassi : First class airline tickets. The Excelsior in Rome. The diamond and coral earrings I bought you in Capri. They're all there. The problem is, so am I.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Don't say that! It's a miracle you're still alive.
Vic Grassi : It's a miracle how I'm gonna pay for all of this.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Hustle?
[They both laugh]
