Queer as Folk (TV Series)
Premiere (2000)
Scott Lowell: Ted Schmidt
Photos
Quotes
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Emmett Honeycutt : [referring to the hot guy who walks by at Babylon] My God..., have you ever seen anything more beautiful.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Venice. At sunset.
Emmett Honeycutt : Fine. You go down the Grand Canal. I'll go down on him.
[jokingly follows after guy]
Michael Novotny : [voice over narration] Emmett can be a little campy. Okay, a lot campy. But you gotta admit, these days it takes real guts to be a queen in a world full of commoners.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : The problem with perfection... is its inability to recognize anything less perfect than itself.
Emmett Honeycutt : In other words, you hit on him and he turned you down.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : ...Yeah.
Michael Novotny : [voice over narration] Ted's this really smart guy, and he's got a really big heart. Only nobody here's interested in the size of that organ.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Why am I wasting my time staring at a bunch of over-pumped princesses with I.Q.'s smaller than their waists...?
[Ted froze as a hot guy walked past him]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Jesus, look at him!
Michael Novotny : [voice over narration] Like I said, it's all about sex. 'Except when you're having it. And then it's all about, "Will he stay?", "Will he go?", "How am I doing?", "What am I doing?". Unless, of course, you're Brian Kinney. And then it's "Who gives a fuck what you think? You're lucky to have me".
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Michael Novotny : That was quick.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Hell, when you've had as much practice as he's had.
Brian : I got bored.
Emmett Honeycutt : I know. Getting your dick sucked can be so tedious.
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Emmett Honeycutt : Don't look now but somebody's wat-ching.
Michael Novotny : Oh, him. He's been cruising me all night.
Emmett Honeycutt : Hmm... playing hard to get. I love that in a man.
Michael Novotny : Not playing, just not interested.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Check out that bubble butt. And that basket? Enough in there for the Big Bad Wolf.
Michael Novotny : Would you quit staring! There's more to a guy than his cock size... Or his perfectly shaped ass.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Which is why you read all those comic books, with those superheroes in their little tights - for the plot.
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Emmett Honeycutt : When did seventy's night become eighty's night?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I remember this song from high school. Talk about feeling ancient.
Emmett Honeycutt : Speak for yourself, honey. I was a mere child.
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Michael Novotny : [voice over narration] And that's when it happened. When he came along.
Brian : How's it going? Had a busy night?
Justin : Just eh... Checking out the bars, you know. Boy Toy, Meat Hook.
Brian : The Meat Hook? Really? So you're into leather?
Justin : [hesitating] ...Sure.
Brian : Where're you headed?
Justin : No place special.
Brian : I can change that.
[both of them got into the jeep.]
Emmett Honeycutt : Hey! Hey, what about us?
Brian : You can ride with Ted.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Thanks a lot!
Michael Novotny : Asshole!
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[first lines]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [on the phone] Brian Kinney, a father.
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] It's true. I was there. I saw it happen with my own eyes.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [on the phone] Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. Or is it the other way around?
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] Would you give the guy a break?
Emmett Honeycutt : [on the phone] Couldn't be any worse than my Daddy was.
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] Or mine. Not that I remember him.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [on the phone] So what's next? PTA Parent, Little League coach, Scout master?
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] They don't allow queers into the scouts. They're afraid we'll induct new recruits.
Emmett Honeycutt : [on the phone] I only go out with men who already enlisted. So, uh, who's he look like?
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and... Lindsay's nose.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [on the phone] Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble.
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] You should see the pictures I took. He is so adorable. In one of them, he's actually playing with himself.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [on the phone] Who, Brian?
Michael Novotny : [on the phone] No, the baby. Imagine, he's only been in the world an hour and already he's pulling his pud.
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Michael Novotny : It was a trap!
Emmett Honeycutt : Hey! See that number in the red shorts?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I can work out for a hundred years and never look like that.
Michael Novotny : Pretending she didn't like her just to see what I'd say.
Emmett Honeycutt : Shawn Peters, went home with him the other night, thinking he was this brutal top...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : And?
Michael Novotny : ...And I fell for it!
Emmett Honeycutt : Turns out, he's a big, nelly bottom!
[laughing]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I could've told you that!
Emmett Honeycutt : Ugh! It's so discouraging. Are there no real man left?
Michael Novotny : Now they're expecting me to meet them?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Steroid city?
Michael Novotny : No! In a straight bar. Is there anyone here listening?
Emmett Honeycutt : [speaking really fast] There's this new girl at work who's interested in you, Fat Marley tricked you into meeting her, and some of the others for a drink after work, and now you have to go, or they might suspect.
[changing topic]
Emmett Honeycutt : Check out Mr. Peck-Deck.
[back to Michael]
Emmett Honeycutt : So what if they do?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : They could fire him?
Michael Novotny : Or I can end up an assistant manager for the rest of my life.
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Emmett Honeycutt : And... the solution is to pretend you like pussy?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [sigh] Look, he's not like you, okay?
Emmett Honeycutt : What is that supposed to mean?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Meaning he's not an obviously gay man.
Emmett Honeycutt : Are you accusing me of being obvious?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : If the 'fuck-me' pump fits...
Emmett Honeycutt : Ah...
[putting down his barbells]
Emmett Honeycutt : Well... I could be a... a real man if I wanted to. You know...
[Michael stops doing his routine, raises his eyebrows, looking at Emmett]
Emmett Honeycutt : ...just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless, never, never use words like, like "fabulous" or "divine". Talk about... I don't know,
[deepening his voice]
Emmett Honeycutt : nailing bitches and R.B.I.'s. But I'd rather my flame burn bright! Than be some puny little pilot light.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : And a fabulous flame it is.
Emmett Honeycutt : Thank you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Yeah, but Michael is out there in the straight world. Believe me, it isn't easy.
[reassuring Michael]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : You do what you have to do.
Michael Novotny : I better go change.
Emmett Honeycutt : For your big date? Here's a Sports mag. Better bone up. Just in case the conversation veers away from Liza's weight problem.
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Emmett Honeycutt : You know, for a skinny white boy, I make one fucking fabulous black woman.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : How bout another round on me?
Brian Kinney : I got a better idea. Lets move on.
Michael Novotny : What's wrong with here?
Brian Kinney : I've had everyone here.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : My problem precisely.
Michael Novotny : You haven't had me.
Brian Kinney : [smiles] Oh, yeah?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : What? You never told us.
Michael Novotny : There is nothing to tell.
Brian Kinney : We were up in his room. We were fourteen, fifteen tops. We were supposed to be studying, whatever. Only, we're not. We're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. Anyway, there's this shot of Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing"... without his shirt on. So, I've got this hard-on just from looking at it, and I glance over at Mikey and guess what? He's got one, too.
Michael Novotny : Okay, you can stop now.
Brian Kinney : [laughs] Twin stiffies. I reach over, start rubbing it. He's practically swooning.
[drops voice]
Brian Kinney : I pop it out, start stroking it, nice and slow. We're both this close. Then... his mom walks in without knocking.
Justin : They always do. Did she see you?
Brian Kinney : I don't see how she could have missed it.
Michael Novotny : Only we didn't come, so it doesn't count.
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Justin : "Dirty Dancing". That's a really old movie.
Brian Kinney : What?
Justin : I said that's a really old movie.
Brian Kinney : It's not that old.
Justin : How old are you?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Ugh-oh.
Brian Kinney : How old do you think I am?
Justin : Thirty-three?
[Everyone laughs.]
Brian Kinney : Fuck you.
Michael Novotny : He's twenty-nine.
Brian Kinney : And fuck you too! What did you tell him for?
Michael Novotny : Fair's fair.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : And we all know what that means. In a few months, he'll be thirty. Might as well be dead?
Brian Kinney : Well, you ought to know. You already are.